How to Have a Difficult Conversation
Posted on | June 30, 2009 | No Comments
As is my habit—and one I will not curtail no matter how hard we are hit by a recession—I went to get my nails done recently. Getting a manicure is often so relaxing I want to sleep. This day, however, was not to be one of those soothing hours. One of the hairdressers, whom I adore, came over in distress. “I need some advice!!” she said. She had been experiencing problems with the yoga studio next store, and had tried to talk to the owner that morning about the problem. As “neighbor” businesses, this seemed like an appropriate gesture. But when she explained her problem, the owner got very defensive and told her quite emphatically that she had no claim and didn’t appreciate being “ambushed.” The hairdresser, feeling attacked herself, then threatened legal action and to call a newspaper. Obviously, the morning encounter had set both their days off badly.
The hairdresser, who is goodhearted and friendly, said, “What shall I do?” I gave her three options:
- Forget it, you lost your money (COPITULATE)
- Get your lawyer to write a letter (FIGHT)
- Go back and try again (ENGAGE)
She said she wanted to try again. But what should she say??
First I asked her how she was feeling. She was fine. She had calmed down. With no real emotions flowing, I went right to the dialogue.
Here’s what I told her to say:
“I am uncomfortable, as I am sure you are, with how our conversation went this morning. I would like to find a solution that works for both of us. I realize you felt ‘ambushed.’ So I would like to see if we could talk again when you feel it’s a good time.”
She thought about it, said the words to herself until the words seemed right to her, and off she whisked.
I had almost left the shop when she came back through the rear door. It was so fast that I thought for sure she had been tossed out on her ear. But NO— I got the thumbs up! Big smile on her face. She yelled, “It went great.” The day shifted for both of them.
The lesson: Take the time to engage in a conversation. It can both solve a problem and build your relationship with someone else. It can also change your day!
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