Conflict Training 101: “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall”
Posted on | July 15, 2009 | No Comments
I had an experience in the realm of conflict training that I am reluctant to write about, but I think it’s worth sharing.
I had been looking for particular kind of vendor. I interviewed several companies and got a few proposals. In the end, I engaged a woman whose skills seemed to fit my needs the best. I looked at the hire as the “next” step, not the final solution to the work I was setting out to do.
Meanwhile, I kept another vendor in the back of my mind. I was intrigued by the man’s tenacity and enthusiasm but had not been as impressed by what I saw as his results. So I decided to take few steps with someone else and watch this other vendor’s progress. I wanted to evaluate over time whether he demonstrated the kind of markers of success I was looking for.
The man I didn’t hire continued to send me e-mails and to call. He generally let me know what he was up to, and made some good sales pitches, mostly by way of touting his successes.
Then one day he sent me an e-mail that I am sure was an attempt to lure me in—but one line in it made me feel insulted. I sensed a bit of truth to his comment, but I quickly shoved that aside and sent a harsh e-mail back to him. We exchanged a short volley of e-mails, until he sent me one that said, “Didn’t you just write a book on communication?”
Whoops! That stopped me dead in my tracks. He was right! I was not doing what I preached.
People ask me all the time how to get over what they are feeling. I have a number of great answers, but here was a situation where I went on automatic. I got hurt and hit back so fast that I didn’t even give myself time to think. Now I was mad at him and myself! So here is what I did and what I would recommend:
1. Shift the focus to yourself. We all want to be found innocent. But the truth is, if we can find our part in any situation, we have the power to change it. We can’t change each other! I don’t think I was the only person in this dance and I believe the vendor had a very distinct part, but all I could do was look at my own contribution and use it as learning. I had reacted without thinking.
2. Look for the grain of truth. I took a few minutes to see what the anger was about. He had hit a chord. What was the truth that I didn’t like? Taking the learning from that helped me move toward a business goal.
3. Clean up messes. We all make mistakes no matter how much we try to do things well. Being responsible means being willing to hang in there and clean up any messes you make. I also believe that as we engage in difficult conversations, we can build better relationships with people. I apologized for my own behavior, and offered to talk about what happened.
4. Give yourself a break. No one is perfect. A frequent reaction in these kinds of situations is to do something “wrong” then beat yourself up about it. That dynamic just creates two problems instead of one. Let go of beating yourself up and just look at the situation. Make it learning. Be curious. Learn from it and move on. It will be a lot less painful that way, and you can appreciate yourself for taking the time to make the situation right and making it a learning experience.
5. Commit to recognizing the pattern in the future. Star watching for your triggers. When they happen, just sit. Give yourself a chance to see what’s really happening before taking any action. I knew in the moment I got the e-mail that there was some truth to his comment. The anger that showed up was a sign. I could have just sat there and not done anything for a while and let it settle. If I had waited, I might have made a better decision. Next time I get mad that fast, I plan to wait 24 hours before I respond.
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