Deer in the Headlights: Navigating Difficult Conversations
Posted on | July 8, 2009 | No Comments
This week a woman approached me and said, “I often get in a situation with co-workers in which they say something that leaves me speechless, and I feel like a deer in the headlights. I don’t have a response. What do I do?”
Her experience is a common one. We often get caught off guard and find ourselves at a loss for what to say or do. If that’s YOU, here are some tips to help:
1. Watch for patterns. For the next week, notice the conversations, situations or people that give you the greatest pause. When do you find yourself in situations in which you feel like a “deer in the headlights”? Isolate the ones that you most often find yourself in or that cause you the most distress.
2. Choose one situation to work on. Don’t try to solve every situation. Work on one. Use it as a learning lab. Experiment and see what works, then you can generalize your learning to other situations.
3. Have a plan. Once you have identified the situation for which you want to be prepared, make a plan. Whenever my business partner, Tom, and I are going to facilitate a group conversation, we spend time thinking about worst-case scenarios. We ask our clients and ourselves, “What is the worst thing that can happen? And “What will we do about it?” If you are entering a situation that has created a cause for concern, be sure to ask yourself what you are worrying about and make a plan for how you will handle it. You can brainstorm likely scenarios and think about exactly what you will say or do. You can also role-play with a friend or significant other, or ask their advice. Jus having a plan will reduce your anxiety and allow you to enter the situation more relaxed.
4. Some guidelines for preparing are:
a. Identify a unifying goal and offer that early in the conversation
b. Express your desire to support the other person (not necessarily to do what they want, but to support them in general)
c. Ask for, and be sure to acknowledge, the other person’s perspective or need
d. Be clear about you need or want. That means be specific!
e. Look for solutions that are win-wins
5. Have some words ready. Once you have identified the situation you want to work on and have made a plan, be ready with some words. Spend some time imaging what you will say. If you can’t find language you like, ask someone else. What would they say in this situation? Practice saying what you want to say until it feels right and natural. Remember, too, that sometimes in retrospect you find the words you wish you had had. Jot those down and use them in the future.
6. In the midst of things, give yourself a break. If, despite your planning, you are momentarily stunned, take a break. Just say excuse me and take a minute to collect yourself. Sometimes all you need is short break (and sometimes you need a longer one). If you need a break, ASK for it. Always come prepared to say, “I need a minute.”
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