Conflict Training 101: It’s Not What You Said…
Posted on | August 26, 2009 | No Comments
Oftentimes, when working in conflict training I hear similar comments from people. For instance: “It’s not WHAT you said; it’s HOW you said it!”
How many times have you heard that refrain?
Sometimes it doesn’t matter how you said it, the person just doesn’t want to hear you. However, sometimes it is how you said it. There are many books written on feedback and on having good conversations available. A simple process to follow is described in my book, Reboot! Your Working Relationships The Reboot! process will serve you well in almost any situation and offers you conflict strategies.
You can hold one simple rule in mind: Confront with your words and support with your tone. If you do nothing else, follow that rule. Following this guideline will get you through many a difficult conversation. If your tone of voice is modulated and infused with support, your message is more likely to be received.
Think of a time someone was mad at you. Did you get the “I am angry” message from the exact words or the tone of voice? Most likely, you got it from the tone of voice. Have you had an experience in which someone said something with their words but you knew they were mad? How did you know? Their tone of voice! Some people call this a double message. Your words and tone send different messages. When you want to be heard you have to make sure your tone of voice allows someone to hear your words. The tone also needs to reflect the underlying intention, which is usually to sustain, build or improve a relationship.
Experiment: Watch other people for a week. Observe what they say and how they say it. Did their tone send a message?? What was the message? Was the tone supporting the words being said or was it countering the verbal message? Notice what makes you want to listen to another person?? What tone were they using? Take note of what works.
Now you try it. Think of someone you want to talk to about a situation. What do you want to say? Imagine the conversation. What words will you use? Practice saying those words in a tone of voice that invites the other person into the conversation. Try consciously using an inviting, warm and supportive voice or even just a neutral even tone. See what happens. Let me know.
As always, I invite your comments or questions!
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