Difficult Conversations: A Good Lesson for the Receiver
Posted on | September 4, 2009 | No Comments
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Much of the literature about difficult conversations is written from the perspective of the person giving feedback or directions. It’s equally important to be a good receiver of information. Being willing to listen intently, understand another persons’ perspective and be willing to accept your responsibility in any given situation will enhance your own self-knowledge, expand your range of skills and build your relationships with others.
It’s important to remember that feedback is often a reflection of the giver. This is not to say that it has nothing to do with you; it simply means that the other person is noticing something about you that reflects what they care about. Though you are responsible for your behavior, the person’s emotional response is his or her own. A simple example:
You are late for an appointment with three friends. One friend is angry, one mildly annoyed, and one doesn’t care. Your behavior impacted each of them differently. If you want to maintain relationships with all three, you need to notice that the impact of your behavior was different for each of them and attend to any of their feedback as such. The friend who is angry needs to take responsibility for why they feel anger, but you need to take responsibility to your lateness and understand that in the future you need to be more conscious of the time when interacting with this friend — if that is a request of theirs.
This is true in a work situation as well. If you have a boss, co-worker or an employee who wants to offer some feedback to you, it’s important for you to maintain that same distinction. A person’s emotional response is his or her own choice; your responsibility is to note that emotion. Something you did triggered it. If you want to work well with this person you need to acknowledge the impact you had on them and then focus on what you can or cannot do to modify your behavior in the future.
A client of mine years ago was very upset at a retreat I had been hired to facilitate. The meeting had started late and materials were missing. I could see how mad she was and knew she had feedback for me. I continued to facilitate the meeting, which ended on a very solid note. I knew my client was still upset so I made an appointment with her following the retreat. I went in with some trepidation and asked her what she thought about the retreat. She expressed frustration and anger about the kick off. I acknowledged her anger and asked her what specifically she was upset by. She gave me a litany of errors she had perceived.
After she expressed her emotions and she seemed to calm down, I walked her through the actual events surrounding each of the grievances. I was willing to see how I had contributed. Who had the materials? Who had supervised the creation of the materials and supply list, who had been responsible for people’s attendance etc? What had I done? Quickly, she began to see that her own deputy had been the one responsible for what she had perceived as errors. She started to get upset as she realized that she often has expectations that are not met. As we talked more, she started to see her own contribution to the situation and that her failure to give clear direction or oversight often left her disappointed. I asked her then what I might have done to contribute to that dynamic in this situation and what I could do in the future. At that point, she said that I might have helped her oversee the situation better and she wanted me to coach her in how to be a more effective manager. This incident taught me a lot of lessons:
1. Not to avoid the hard conversations.
2. Allow someone to fully express his or her emotions and reflect it back.
3. Ask about and listen for concrete details.
4. Ask for the specific behaviors you may have demonstrated.
5. Be willing to hear your own contribution and acknowledge them
6. Offer to make amends or modify future behavior
7. Acknowledge the other person for being willing to talk with you
Had I left the retreat and not sought out feedback, I would never have had an opportunity to repair the relationship, help my client grow and learn, and I would have been deprived of my own learning.
When someone offers you feedback or wants to have a difficult conversation with you its an opportunity to help them sort through a situation, learn about themselves and for you to gain new insights. Most importantly you gain an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with them.
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