Difficult Conversations: Receiving Information Part 2
Posted on | September 10, 2009 | No Comments
As I wrote in my last post about difficult conversations, it’s normal to become nervous or even defensive when someone approaches us with feedback. These reactions can get in the way of listening, however. One technique that can help you relax and focus on the speaker’s message is to assume that the other person has good intentions.
One related story happened to me many years ago. I was facilitating a divided and pained management team. One person on the team was an incessant talker and naysayer. No one wanted to listen to her. She would often be ranting and out of line. Her comments were often negative about people on the team and the team itself. One day, as I was watching her alienate everyone once again, I wondered why she kept taking when she knew everyone was shut down. I tried to look behind her behavior and see what was motivating her. I realized she didn’t feel heard. Hard to believe? Yes—but it was true.
After the meeting I went to the company’s CEO and advised her that, in the next meeting, she was to acknowledge this woman’s comments by paraphrasing what she said back to her. The CEO did exactly that, and it worked. The woman was momentarily stunned. She didn’t keep talking. She simply said, yes, that was my point.
Over time, by using this technique, the group was able to start listening to her. She spoke more concisely once she felt heard. In this case, the woman was trying to bring some uncomfortable situations to the team’s attention. They had been unable to “hear” her because of her approach. Once they understood that her intention was positive and once she could deliver her messages in fewer words, the team was able to take in the information and look at the situation with an eye toward resolution. The end result? A great learning for everyone.
In this example, listening to the speaker and reflecting back what she was saying helped her feel “heard”—and helped the team accept and act on her feedback. The more relaxed everyone became, the easier it was for them to communicate—and for everyone to understand that they shared good intentions.
Give this a try—and as always, let me know how it goes!
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