How to Change Conflict into Learning

Posted on | October 15, 2009 | No Comments

It always surprises me that I have to keep learning the same lessons over and over again when it comes to conflict management. Maybe you have that experience yourself. I teach others all the time that asking questions is an important part of having productive conversations, yet last week I had my own reminder of the power of questions.

My parents live in an assisted living facility and I have recently been unhappy with the way the facility handled a few medical incidents. The truth is, I was mad!! Really mad. I requested a meeting with the relevant staff at the facility. One of my brothers, who happens to be a physician, flew in to town to attend the meeting with me.

Following the Reboot! preparation template, my brother and I spent some time getting ready for the meeting. We thought through:

  • What had happened (the facts of each incident)
  • Questions we had (information we needed)
  • The issues we wanted resolved
  • What we wanted to see happen as a result of our discussions
  • What we each have done that might have contributed to any problems

We began the meeting by sharing our topics and mutual goals. We proceeded to address the easy issues. As we entered the hot topic of how the staff had handled or mishandled some situations, the medical administrator started expounding in a firm, rapid-fire manner. It felt both aggressive and defensive. I sat there watching her behavior and my own reaction. I was frustrated. I wanted to fight back and argue. Mostly I wanted to “win” the argument.

While I pondered that, I let the medical administrator continue talking about all the steps she and her staff had taken in each of the incidents. This not only gave me breathing room, but it let her get her pent-up emotions out. (Allowing the other person in your conversation to let off steam inevitably brings the tension down. It’s like letting air out of a balloon.)

At a point when she took a breath, I simply asked, “So in your professional opinion, as you review these incidents, how well do your staff’s responses measure up to your standards?” She paused. I think she had expected a backlash from me and was taken aback by a respectful question. She then outlined what she would have done differently and what others might have done differently in each of the incidents.

In the end, she assessed her own behavior and that of her staff in a very fair manner. She made MY point. I never had to point anything out, because she knew it all along. The key had been to invite her to discover it herself. That’s because questions invite others to explore an issue for themselves—and self-discovery is the most powerful form of learning.

When facing situations in which I want another person to learn something, I find it helpful to think about what I want to say and then ask myself how to turn my statement into a question. The question needs to be:

  1. Open ended: This means a question that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no.” Think of starting your question with “how” or “what,” as these naturally require explanations.
  2. Respectful: Make sure you pose the question in a way that invites the person to step up and open up.
  3. Curious: Invite the person to explore, not defend.

Try it, the next time you find yourself wanting to tell someone something or to advise. Just ask yourself, how do I turn my statement into a question? It may take some time and definitely some practice, but it will be well worth it. You will find that you reach the same destination with fewer struggles and have built a better relationship with the other person. What more could you ask for?

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts as well as your ideas on turning statements into questions.

Category: conflict strategies
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