Difficult Conversations: Bring Light and Warmth
Posted on | November 3, 2009 | No Comments
On this beautiful Washington, D.C. day I am preparing to help an organization confront some very hard conversations. As I look at the sun streaming through my window, it occurs to me that I need to bring light and warmth into the room with my clients.
The light is for bringing light to the truth (as best as it can be told) and helping my clients face with courage their difficult situations—helping them see the facts at hand. The warmth is the feeling of support they need to conduct their conversations in respectful, non-personal ways.
Here are a few tips to bring light and warmth to clients or colleagues:
1. Keep the conversation focused on facts. Separate out the emotions. That is not to say that people are not allowed to have emotions or express them—but those emotions are “reactions,” not concrete data. Keep the two conversations separate. Naming what is data and what is a reaction or emotion will help a group see the difference.
2. Establish ground rules. Set up agreements about how the conversation will be held to ensure respectful dialogue. Ground rules might include: using non-judgmental language, using “I” statements, focusing on problems not people, and seeking to understand. There are a host of possible ground rules to choose from. You want to craft them to suit the particular group’s dynamics. And once you have set them, uphold them!
3. Support people in speaking. If they need encouragement, invite them in. If they need help saying something, offer to help them shape their words. If they offer a thought or opinion, acknowledge their contribution. Sometimes it helps repeating back to people what you hear them say. This helps them feel heard.
4. Model appropriate behavior. Sometimes a group needs to see someone speak a hard truth but in a way that the message gets heard. Don’t be afraid to model that. A group will not do what you or the formal leaders won’t do!
5. Confront with your words and support with your tone. This is another example of how we can tell our truth, but in a way that makes it easier to hear. If we say the words clearly but with a loving tone of voice, we send a message that we care about the person, which in turn helps the other person hear us.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let me know how you help your colleagues or clients bring light and warmth to difficult situations.
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