What Are the Best Ways to Handle Conflict?
Posted on | December 11, 2009 | No Comments
As we engage with others in our lives we are continually bumping into each other. One of the great lessons I have learned and relearned (and may learn again) is the significance of taking responsibility for my own contribution to any misunderstanding. Why? For three reasons:
1. Being honest with myself gives me a more accurate understanding of who I am and how I contribute to my relationships, for better or worse. I then have more ability to choose what behaviors to use in the future.
2. Sharing my own “shortcomings” often gives others permission to be imperfect as well, and not feel bad about it. Sharing our imperfections is a beautiful way to love others and ourselves in a more holistic way. Making our imperfections “bad” or trying to hide them makes it impossible to grow and learn.
3. Sharing how I may have contributed to an issue clears the way for the other people involved to see their own contributions, rather than focusing on what I did.
I had a wonderful experience with this recently. I was facilitating a difficult conversation in which two participants were exhibiting behaviors that were negatively impacting the dialogue and the other participants. I began tightening my facilitation by asking people to stop interrupting and inviting non-speakers into the conversation.
After the meeting, a few participants thanked me for helping keep the conversation on track. One participant, however, was mad! I made an appointment with him to talk further about the meeting.
Using the Reboot method, I opened out conversation with a common goal and asked how he thought things went at the meting. He started slowly but eventually talked about how I had “shut him down.” I quickly acknowledged both his emotional reaction and that I had indeed done the things he had described.
“Yes”, I said,” I can see you are upset and you are correct that I asked you to stop talking and to listen for a while.”
He was visibly surprised and seemed to loose his incentive to continue telling me about my behavior. The air, if you will, came out of the tire. I was then free to ask him about his own behavior.
By skillfully questioning him about what he did and his intentions, he was then able to see and admit that his own behavior had indeed had a negative impact on the rest of the room. Because I had felt free to take ownership of my part, he felt safer and freer to admit his own.
My ability to take ownership created the space for him to look at himself. Had I not owned my part, he might have needed to continue to focus on me rather than himself.
The next time you find yourself in a conflict with someone, ask yourself what you did to contribute—or what the other person might say was your contribution. Examine it closely and take ownership of whatever is true, then be willing to admit it openly. You might be very surprised at the results.
I, of course, would love to hear what you learn from trying this technique. Please share your thoughts or experiences with “owning” your part in a conflict in the comment below.
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