This executive was using praise as a motivator, which is generally a good idea. However, when I asked her to give me an example of thanking someone, she described an effusive amount of thanks—but presented in a very general way that made it sound as if the team had been doing her a favor.

Her team was not doing her a favor, though—they were completing assignments that were part of their job descriptions. So while my client appreciated the team’s work, her show of appreciation was sending a message that what they were doing was optional—a favor to her. This was creating a disincentive to work!

Appreciation or thanks that work:

1. Make it timely: As close the event as possible so the person has recall of the situation.
2. Make it specific: Tell the person what they did that was helpful. Make it as concrete as possible.
3. Specify the impact: Explain to the person how their help impacted the work or job. Here’s what you did and here’s how it helped.
4. Make some of your feedback about qualities they bring: Sometimes we encounter situations in which it is not what the person does but how they are being that is making a difference. If you have someone who demonstrates a quality you appreciate, tell him or her that. Examples: enthusiasm, initiative, attention to detail.
5. Do it often: Humans tend to remember the criticism more than the praise. So it’s important to praise more often.
6. Reward the behaviors and qualities that support the work or that you want to see more of from the person. People will tend to repeat behaviors they think are successful. Do not reward behavior or qualities that you do not need or want on the job.

The payoff in giving regular, thoughtful and specific feedback is that you will be building motivation for the person to continue doing the behaviors you want and to do less of those you don’t want. You are also building good will and creating an environment where people feel appreciated and valued. This in turn, leads to a loyal workforce.

My client took this advice and noticed immediate return. She felt better in her role as she started to expect cooperation rather than feel like she had to earn it. The people around her began seeing the work as expected and appreciated that their contributions were making a difference.

That was one success story. Do you have one?? I’d love to hear it.

But while people generally want the same things, there are great generational differences in values, goals and communication styles and skills. When you are preparing to talk to someone of another generation, it’s helpful to think about your generational style and preferences and theirs. We have a tendency to think that how we want to communicate is how another person wants to. This is not always the case. There are real and substantial differences in how members of each generation communicate.

Below you will find a brief description of each generation and some tips for communicating with them. As you look at these lists bear in mind that these are generalizations compiled by sociologists, and that each person is unique and should be viewed as such. Hopefully these descriptions and tips will spark your thinking as you plan your conversations.

I. The Traditionalists
Also known as the Silent Generation, the traditionalists grew up with the Great Depression and World War II. They value hard work, loyalty, conformity and sacrifice. They work because it’s the right thing to do. They respect authority, value a person’s word and get their identity from their career. When communicating with a Traditionalist:
•Don’t expect them to openly share their thoughts or feelings easily or immediately.
•Focus on your words.
•Understand your word is your bond.
•Use face-to-face or written forms.
•Use formal style – sir, ma’am.
•Don’t waste their time.
•Show respect for their experience.

II. Baby Boomers
Baby Boomers were raised in a relatively stable economic time and had parents who wanted them to have more than they did. This generation is accustomed to competing in a large post-war generation. They value hard work in the pursuit of success, teamwork and competition and want to make a difference in the world. When communicating with Boomers:
•Use body language to transmit the message.
•Speak in an open and direct manner.
•Expect questions and to be asked for the details.
•Offer options to show your flexibility.
•Communicate that you value them.

III. Gen Xers
Despite its relatively young demographic, Generation X is considered economically conservative and somewhat cynical. They saw the failures of their parents’ generation. They do not rely on institutions for their long-term security. They value their time and want work-life balance. They like information and are used to getting it fast. When communicating with the Gen Xers:
•Employ electronic modes if possible.
Use short sound bites. Keep it short and simple.
•Give them feedback often.
•Ask for their feedback.
•Share information and keep them in the loop.
•Use an informal style.
•Give them room to do things their way.

IV. Millennials or Gen Y
The youngest generation currently in the work force, Millennials or Generation Y grew up in a high-tech world. This generation values autonomy and positive reinforcement. They are used to and expect diversity. They value the entrepreneurial spirit, creativity and independence. When communicating with Millennials:
•Use action words.
•Challenge them.
•Seek their feedback.
•Give them feedback continually, and preferably positively.
•Use email or voicemail.
•Encourage them to take risks.
•Use humor.
•Give them an opportunity to work with bright, creative people.

As we worked on plans to move forward, group members raised a number of issues about negative interactions with the more junior staff. One member of the team asked, “When did that happen?” The response indicated that the incident had occurred quite a while ago.

The group quickly recognized that it was entertaining old issues, so the team adopted a ground rule that, for the remaining meeting time, they would identify the timing of any incident they mentioned.

The question of “when did that happen” had incredible power. Locating the events in time allowed the executive team to see that it was trying to lead into the future, but that it was stuck in the past. That’s like trying to drive your car looking backwards!

This realization gave them the ability to sort out the current issues from the old ones. Then they were able to let go of the problems or issues that were no longer relevant. Removing the old and irrelevant issues freed the group to shift their attention and energy to what was ahead.

The next time you are in a meeting or facilitating a discussion in which people keep bringing up old stories, you might want to offer these questions:

1. When did it happen?
2. Who was involved?
3. Has it been resolved?
4. Can you let it go?
5. If not, what needs to be done?

Helping people to step back and examine their stories gives them the power to choose to let something go—or to do something to resolve the issue. Letting go of the past will free them up to shift their attention to what is actually happening and what they want to create. And that’s a much more powerful place to be!

Post script: This client was very successful in shifting their attention to designing some great processes to move forward.

How many times have you heard that refrain?

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how you said it, the person just doesn’t want to hear you. However, sometimes it is how you said it. There are many books written on feedback and on having good conversations available. A simple process to follow is described in my book, Reboot! Your Working Relationships The Reboot! process will serve you well in almost any situation and offers you conflict strategies.

You can hold one simple rule in mind: Confront with your words and support with your tone. If you do nothing else, follow that rule. Following this guideline will get you through many a difficult conversation. If your tone of voice is modulated and infused with support, your message is more likely to be received.

Think of a time someone was mad at you. Did you get the “I am angry” message from the exact words or the tone of voice? Most likely, you got it from the tone of voice. Have you had an experience in which someone said something with their words but you knew they were mad? How did you know? Their tone of voice! Some people call this a double message. Your words and tone send different messages. When you want to be heard you have to make sure your tone of voice allows someone to hear your words. The tone also needs to reflect the underlying intention, which is usually to sustain, build or improve a relationship.

Experiment: Watch other people for a week. Observe what they say and how they say it. Did their tone send a message?? What was the message? Was the tone supporting the words being said or was it countering the verbal message? Notice what makes you want to listen to another person?? What tone were they using? Take note of what works.

Now you try it. Think of someone you want to talk to about a situation. What do you want to say? Imagine the conversation. What words will you use? Practice saying those words in a tone of voice that invites the other person into the conversation. Try consciously using an inviting, warm and supportive voice or even just a neutral even tone. See what happens. Let me know.

As always, I invite your comments or questions!