Here are some surefire ways to choose well:

1. Clarify expectations during the interviewing stage: One of the most significant indicators for successful hiring is how well your expectations match those of the employees. Be scrupulously honest about the job they will be doing. Give them a very clear picture of:

• The job they will be doing
• The organization’s status, both positive and negative
• Challenges they will face
• What you, if you are the manager, are like to work with.

In return ask them to do the same. Acknowledge that everyone has his or her own strengths, gifts and learning edges or weakness. Explain that you would rather be prepared then surprised. You might even share one of your own shortcomings as a model.

Then ask, “What are some of the places where you need help?” Ask them to tell you three things you need to be aware of about them. Do not leave it open, like “tell me some of your weaknesses.” Giving them a number to tell you makes it easier to answer.

Having that knowledge gives you a better idea of what to expect when they come to work—or you may discover a quality you are unable to work with.

2. Pursue targeted reference checks: This is getting harder and harder to do. Past employers may be limited in what they can tell you. But I recommend that you try. Make a list of the qualities or skills that are most important to you before you make the call. Ask the previous employer to give you examples of how the person demonstrated or did not demonstrate those qualities. Ask them to rank the prospective employee from 1 to 10, in terms of how often or well they demonstrated those qualities. Push hard to have the previous employer tell you what the person needs to work on. If you anticipate certain problems or challenges ask the employer how the person handled these kinds of situations.

3. Interview for accurate information: Some experts say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Behavioral interviewing is a great method because it is geared at getting people to tell you what they have done in certain situations. Performance-based interviewing, on the other hand, focuses on setting up situations that are typical of the job and asking the candidate to tell you what they would do. I would recommend you try both methods, in addition to asking more traditional open-ended questions. (Just be sure the questions are not answerable with a yes or no.) Here are some examples:

• Behavioral interviewing: Ask them to tell you about a time that they had a problem (you can say what kind) and how they handled it. For example, tell me about a time you had a problem/conflict with a boss. How did you handle it? Use examples that might test for the qualities you are looking for. Just be sure to ask them to be very specific: what did they do and how did it turn out? You can also ask them to tell you about a time when something didn’t work out…and why not.
• Performance-based interviewing: Use real scenarios. Think of some situations that may happen or have happened on the job and then ask them how they would handle it. You can craft the scenarios to get at judgment, work ethic—almost anything. But they should be reflective of situations the person might encounter.
• Generational-based interviewing: Given that the younger workforce is bringing in new expectations, you need to be sure to spend time on these issues. Include questions about where they see themselves in five years. Given that the younger generations are more likely to see job changes as a positive, ask them their personal philosophy of career building. How do they plan to build their own career path? Find out what would keep them in the job. Ask, “If we wanted to keep you over a long period of time, what would you need to feel comfortable and happy in your work and that you were growing in your career?” Ask them about work-life balance. How do they see that balance and how might it show up at the job? How do they like to be supervised? What would their ideal supervisor be like? How do they like information given to them? What does an ideal organization look like to them? Do a little research on the generational differences to feel prepared with some additional questions that fit your situation.
• Values-based interviewing: Ask them to describe their proudest moments and what their pet peeves. If you listen to their answers you’ll get their values pretty fast.

I often recommend at least two interviews. People tend to let their guard down in the second interview. Multiple interviewers are helpful as well. Be sure the prospective employee gets to meet the people they will be working with as well. If at all possible offer to pay them for a day and have them spend time in the office. This is invaluable because they get to experience the work and the culture—and you get to see them in action.

Recently I was working with two colleagues, Joe and Daniel. They had been friendly and had worked well together for close to two years, but their relationship had suddenly turned sour and was affecting the entire office. Their boss called me to ask if I might help.

I embarked on a fairly typical process to help the two parties work this out, starting with individual conversations.

Daniel claimed that all was fine and there was no need to get in a room and talk.

Joe said that Daniel was temperamental and had frequent outbursts, but that he had come to live with it. Joe also said that he wanted to talk about Daniel’s performance—and went on to cite numerous incidents of work not being done as instructed. Joe readily admitted, however, his tendency to have high standards and to get upset when things were not done exactly the way he wanted them done.

I was not at all sure how the mediation would go, as Daniel was so reluctant to get in a room with Joe. The meeting started slowly with them both tentatively acknowledging the value of working this out and articulating each other’s strengths. As they got closer to talking about “the problem” they started arguing in great detail about each step of their standard operating procedure (SOP).

In the midst of the debate, Joe said, “I told Daniel to own his work.” This was an accusation that Daniel was somehow responsible for the errors because he was not talking responsibility.

I asked Daniel if he recalled Joe telling him “to own” his work. Daniel said, “Yes.” I then asked Daniel what owning his work meant to him. His response was to do his work the way he thought it should be done even if it varied from the SOP.

Next I asked Joe what “owning” his own work meant. Joe replied, “Doing the work the way I said it should be done.”

Ah, a small word—“own”—but a huge difference in interpretations!!

In that moment they saw their problem. Though they both heard the same word, they had sent and received very different messages. Neither actually cared about the SOPs, but they both cared about getting the work done efficiently and effectively. They were colliding, if you will, over who got to decide how the work got done on a number of occasions. Joe thought he had permission to do things his way, and Daniel thought Joe was to do it precisely the way Daniel wanted it done.

Now you might think that the decision on who makes the call about process was the issue, but it was not. They easily cleared that up. The ultimate problem was that Daniel often gave vague instructions when telling Joe how he wanted it done. The words we use count. This was their biggest learning—that when they discuss work togther they have to be sure they are communicating well. They agreed to simply restate their understandings when they finished planning so that they both could agree to what was decided.

This is not an unusual problem. It happens in two-way conversations and it happens in meetings. People assume they all have the same information because they all heard the same words. Not always true! Here are a few tips:

1. At the end of every conversation or decision, someone in the room should be asked to restate the conclusion. This allows everyone to hear the message once again. If there are just two of you, you both should say what you heard. Be careful to be as specific as possible.

2. Use a flip chart and make a point of writing the decisions, agreements and next steps. A visual will help people notice if they have misunderstood.

3. At the conclusion of a meeting when there have been several conversations, always review the major points, decisions and next steps.

4. When summarizing or giving directions, paint a picture. Describe exactly what it would look like if it were done as agreed. Be as concrete and specific as possible.

Really??

You have probably heard the refrain: It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it. Many a manager I have met has told me, “My job is not to have people like me, it’s to get the work done.” That is often their excuse for not saying things in a way that can be heard.

Just think about that: saying things in a way that can be heard. It’s not about being LIKED; it is about getting the work done effectively and efficiently. To get the work done, however, you have to communicate in ways that people can hear you. You have to not just listen to words, but take in the information and use it. Your job as manager or co-worker is to communicate in a variety of methods and in ways that people are willing to listen to you. You may not be liked but you should have earned respect and have the ability to motivate your people.

In my experience some people are aware of how they are impacting people, others are not. If you are aware, then you are halfway there. You need only to try new techniques. For those of you who know something is wrong but don’t know what it is, here are a few tips:

1 Get feedback. Ask trusted colleagues or employees for some feedback. Ask them to be very specific. What does it look like when you are impacting people negatively or positively? Without specifics you can’t change the behavior.

2. Check how you are feeling. Often behaviors are a result of an emotion or feeling. Begin to practice just noticing what’s happening in your body. Do you feel tense? Frustrated? Angry?? At ease? How is that feeling showing up in your communication style? People hear words but the message is often in the tone.

3. Check your priorities. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself. Do you value expediency over relationships? Doing it right versus teaching someone? Make a list of what you think your values are at work and then another list for home. Do they match? Are they different? Sometimes we keep the heartfelt values at home and bring task-related values to work. See what needs to be blended or applied in both places. Getting your values clear in all parts of your life will help you feel more of yourself everywhere you go.

4. Be purposeful about how you want people to feel. When you are communicating take a minute and think about the message you want to send—in terms of the language you use, the points you want to make, and how you want people to feel. If you want them to feel motivated, enthusiastic, and included, be sure to build your message in a way that transmits the right feeling.

If nothing else, remember the words of Maya Angelou: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” And it’s how people feel that will drive their behavior.

If you are a boss and you’re wondering why your staff doesn’t step up to difficult conversations or tell you “the truth,” you might want o consider what you are doing to contribute to this situation. Consider how well you do the following:

1. Invite and welcome different opinions: Do you ask people for their opinions? Do you incorporate their thoughts into your own thinking? How visible is your acceptance of their opinions? Asking for different opinions invites others to speak, but what they will really remember is how you reacted to the information. If you regularly ask for and react well to input, people will keep giving it to you.
2. Put the truth on the table: Do you name the elephants in the room? Are you able to dialogue about the tough issues? If you openly acknowledge difficult subjects and encourage dialogue people will see you as someone who can handle the truth.
3. Distinguish “gripes” from legitimate concerns: Many managers get tired of people complaining and start sending out massages to their staffs not to come to them with complaints or problems. A good manager can help employees distinguish what is important and how to communicate that information.
4. Make problem solving visible: How do you let people know that you have attended to their concerns? How clear are you with what you can resolve and what you can’t resolve? Sometimes people need to know that you heard them but that the problem can’t be solved by you or at this time. If you can address a problem or issue, let people know it can be addressed, and how and when you will deal with it. If you can’t solve the problem, tell them why it can’t be addressed. Some information is better than no information. Great managers make problem-solving efforts visible and use them as good teaching opportunities.
5. Teach people how to approach you: Have you ever talked to your staff about how to approach you? Is there a good time to get you? Do you like things in writing first? Do you have an open-door policy? Do you prefer appointments? Don’t expect your employees to figure you out. Help them. A great manager is a good teacher. Let people know the best way to convey tough news to you.

It’s not always about how a message is delivered but about how it is received. The more you, as a manager, practice modeling being a good “receiver” of news, the more likely people will share information with you

There are some guidelines to help you decide whether a meeting is necessary or not—but they don’t completely answer the question. That’s because meetings serve two purposes: to do collective work and to create community.

We often forget the community part, which is unfortunate. Everyone I know wants to have a sense of belonging at work, and meetings are often where that happens. Yet we try to keep them short, as demonstrated by the “stand-up meetings” that are currently in vogue. Or we issue tons of e-mails to replace meetings altogether.

These and other such devises have merits and, in fact, may reduce unnecessary meeting time. But they fail to provide employees with a sense of belonging and of collegiality.

Instead of focusing on cutting the length of meetings, start looking for ways to build community in them. Make them friendlier, more positive. Create opportunities for small group discussions, and give airtime for people to talk to each other. The stronger the bonds are between workers, and between the workers and the organization, the higher the morale and loyalty.

Next time you set up a meeting try a few techniques and see what happens. The results may be evident in the meeting immediately or they might take some time, but you will see a difference. Some ideas:

1. Have everyone say something at the beginning of the meeting. It might be personal or it might be something they hope to get from the meeting or it could be an accomplishment they are proud of. Just get everyone talking!!

2. Bring food. Allow some informal time at the beginning or the middle of the meeting. Let people chat informally.

3. For some part of your agenda ask people to get into pairs or trios and talk about the issue at hand. Let them report out their collective thoughts. Sometimes sharing on behalf of a small group is easier than sharing your own individual ideas. The smallness of the group will also allow some personal interaction.

4. At the end of the meeting ask each person to share learning, a take-away, or an appreciation. Again, get people involved and talking. Keep it as positive as possible.

5. Bring things for the table like simple toys. It’s a technique that is very useful. It brings some fun into the room and it reduces stress. Many of my clients who at first thought it odd to have toys told me later that it helped them pay attention better and it made the meeting more enjoyable. (And I have lost a few toys along the way, because many of my clients apparently wanted to keep them!)

6. Get away from a conference table. Use small tables or chairs. Use a different room, one that may be a lot friendlier or even cozy. Creating an inviting environment will help as well.

A client of mine—let’s call her Sally—gave me a great example.

A woman in Sally’s organization named Deborah, who is higher in rank, was regularly going to Sally’s boss and complaining about her. Sally was frustrated with this behavior and was worried about how it might endanger her reputation. Sally had tried a number of approaches to head off those conversations about her, including asking Deborah to come to her directly if she had any concerns. Sally had also gone to her boss and requested that her boss ask Deborah to go directly to Sally. Nothing was working. Sally felt powerless. How could she stop those conversations?

Sally was trying to solve the problem by dealing with it from a damage-control perspective. What if there was another way to look at it?

I asked Sally what her biggest fear was; she said that her reputation with her boss would be damaged. So, I asked, “What do you really want?” Her response was quick. “I want my boss to think I am doing a good job.”

I then asked Sally, “How does your boss evaluate your work, and where does she get her information?” Sally replied, “It’s based on my work performance and I am not sure where she gets her information.” Then she said, “I have been so focused on stopping these interchanges between my boss and Deborah, that I never thought about how I could give my boss positive information.”

With a new perspective Sally decided to take a completely different tack. She decided not to deal directly with Deborah’s behavior but instead to build her own credibility with her boss in other ways. She set out a plan to bring good news to her boss. Sally now uses her weekly meetings with her boss to deliver a summary of her division’s accomplishments and her own progress on important matters. Sally also sends her boss any acknowledgements of good work she or her division receives. So Sally’s boss now has a regular flow of information that shows how well Sally and her division are performing, and Sally feels confident that her boss has a fairly well balanced flow of information about her.

Sally demonstrated the power of shifting her perspective. The next time you feel that you are stuck in a repetitive pattern that is not getting you the results you want, try these suggestions:

1. Ask yourself what it is you REALLY want. Dig a bit to uncover the positive outcome you are seeking. If you want someone else’s behavior to change, then ask what that change would get you. The answer to that question is closer to what you ultimately want.

2. Stop focusing on the negative and look for the positive. We tend to focus on where we are having problems and that often leaves us feeling demoralized. Shift your perspective to what is working. Seeing the positive or even looking for the positive will help bring a new perspective.

3. Try on other views of the problem. Name the perspective you are in and then ask yourself what another perspective might be. If that doesn’t come easily to you, ask yourself how another person—someone you respect—might look at it. Think of something in nature, and ask yourself what it would think of this? Try on as many other viewpoints as you can and see which one feels best to you. From there, look for a new approach.

4. Break the problem down into smaller chunks. Sometimes we have a problem that is very complicated or has many elements. Don’t try to solve them all. Identify the various components and try to isolate one issue that is more manageable. Begin there.

A better gift, especially in these economic times, might be to revisit the notion of giving altogether. Because in reality, most people want to be valued, appreciated and loved more than they want any material things. Helping to create those intangible feelings may be the greatest gift we can give.

Our workplaces are a perfect place to shift our modes of giving from material things to gratitude and appreciation. At this holiday season, here are some tips for giving what most people really want:

1. Give acknowledgement. Make a list of the people with whom you work and identify what you most appreciate about them. Think about not only what they have done this year but also who they are. What do they bring to the office each day that you value? Then express your sincere appreciation to them. A personal expression, either verbally or in a handwritten note, is quite powerful.

2. Invite moments of gratitude and appreciation. At your staff meeting ask everyone to share something that they are proud of accomplishing or something they are grateful for this year. Take a moment to observe and celebrate those collective reflections.

3. Give the gift of service. Choose a meaningful community service project in your area and invite others to join you in giving your time and service. If someone you know has a project on which they need help, offer to assist.

The beauty of this shift is that it is easy and yet very powerful. Make it simple, make it sincere and make it meaningful. Giving in this way will make the holiday season a truly joyous one.

“This report describes how a woman’s nation changes everything about how we live and work today. Now for the first time in our nation’s history, women are half of all U.S. workers and mothers are the primary breadwinners or co-breadwinners in nearly two-thirds of American families. This is a dramatic shift from just a generation ago (in 1967 women made up only one-third of all workers). It changes how women spend their days and has a ripple effect that reverberates throughout our nation. It fundamentally changes how we all work and live, not just women but also their families, their co-workers, their bosses, their faith institutions, and their communities.”

This dramatic shift suggests that much has already changed in our world and that many of our institutions, structures and organizations need to address these changes. This report has already spurred much conversation, and will continue to do so.

Oprah Winfrey, in the epilogue of the report, says, “We have the power as women, as families, as a nation to rise to the challenges of our time. To hear each other out. To talk it out. To let the conversation begin. Together, we ought to be able to ‘turn it back, and get it right-side up again!’”

This study is a call for conversation, as Oprah most elegantly states. Conversations need to begin—in our homes, in our schools, in our communities, in our nation and across the globe.

As someone whose work has centered around helping individuals and groups have thoughtful and meaningful conversations, this is a heartening time. It’s a time ripe for meeting the challenges our world faces.

I encourage you to read the report and ask yourself, “What conversation am I called to have?”

My last blog note, was which about the importance of setting goals at the beginning of a conversation, was fresh in my mind. So at the risk of seeming rude, I stopped my colleague and said,” Before you go any further, can you tell me what you want from me? Do you have a specific question you want me to answer?”

She stopped dead in her tracks. I had clearly caught her off guard. She looked stunned, but she sat and thought for a while. Then she said, “Yes, I want you tell me if I can coach the executive and his team at the same time.” She added, “Asking me what I wanted was really helpful. I can focus my ‘story’ now on what you need to know.”

I was so relieved! I did not need to take in every detail. I could look at the issues through a particular lens. I could choose the salient and relevant points to consider. Having a “goal” gave both of us a way to focus our attention. My colleague was able to describe the important facts more succinctly and I could listen for what information I needed in order to give an opinion.

The simple technique of asking, upfront, “What is the goal?” both streamlined the conversation and allowed us to get to the desired endpoint quicker.

This story is just an example of the many ways that we engage in dialogue without knowing why we are talking!! As the talker or the listener we have a responsibility to get clear on the expected outcome. If the presenter doesn’t offer the goal, you as the listener can ask for it.

Try it and see what happens. I’d love to hear your experiences with trying this technique out.

Last night I was attending a meeting but not running it. It ran amuck! People were talking over each other and around each other. There was very little semblance of order. The group had to make a decision, but time was running out. Being a trained facilitator, I was trying hard to stay in observer mode and see if I could summarize the conversation and help the group see where it was. I could not do it. But here’s what I did do:

I stopped the conversation and all the disparate voices. I simply noted the time, reminded everyone of our collective goal, and asked if we might take a minute and go around the room to get everyone’s perspective on where they stood on the issue at hand. I called it a straw poll. They agreed and proceeded. It took some diligence on my part to keep the group quiet while each person talked, but we finally got everyone’s voice heard. Then the group was able to see where each person stood on the issue and what open questions still needed to be answered. The group was then able to reach a conclusion fairly quickly.

A list of lessons often attributed in an e-mail chain letter to the Dalai Lama (but actually lifted from Life’s Little Instruction Book) includes this gem: “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.” So what’s the lesson here? A few:

1. You don’t always have to know everything. Ask others.
2. When conversations get messy, most people know it—and would welcome some help.
3. Be brave enough to point out what’s happening. It can be a relief to others!
4. When the process isn’t working, stop it.

The technique I used is a pretty simple one: Just suggest that the group take time out and get each person’s perspective. Or, if it’s a voting situation, take a preliminary poll. During this time there can be no debate. This is a just a chance to get a sense of where each person stands on a particular subject. When everyone’s done, then you can ask for a summation and thoughts for next steps. It’s easy and fairly quick, and it allows everyone to get a fuller picture of where things stand.

As always I would be interested in your feedback or experiences. As that “Dalai Lama” e-mail also advised, “Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.”