Keeping Everyone in the Conversation

Posted on | November 5, 2009 | No Comments

A professional colleague of mine recently wrote to me about a situation he encountered. He was at a meeting of a board of directors. A question was posed to the group, to which he responded with the first opinion. Everyone who spoke after him disagreed with his opinion. The conversation went on for 30 minutes. His opinion was not acknowledged, nor did anyone check in with him about how he felt as the group reached seeming agreement. No one invited him back into the conversation—and he didn’t offer another opinion or participate. He was “shut down.”

After the meeting, my colleague asked me, “As a facilitator, can you sense when someone is clamming up and needs to be eased back in to the conversation? Is it a good thing to let people decide for themselves whether to speak up or simply observe? Finally, when one person is outnumbered by everyone else, is it a good idea to revisit the contrarian’s view and try to get more details/understanding?” All excellent questions.

A facilitator’s job is to help a group engage in meaningful dialogue. Our work is in service to the group helping it to do its work (task) while focusing on the process of how the group conducts its conversations. A mentor of mine used to refer to the role of a facilitator as that of a chauffeur. The facilitator has the destination in mind but focuses on the journey.

As facilitators our job is to make sure that the conversation is productive, that there is balanced participation, and that the process encourages healthy dialogue. It’s a quite a challenge to manage a meeting in such as way as to ensure an outcome AND be able to create a process that supports good group behaviors. To this end, a facilitator pays attention to the individuals as well as the group as a whole.

An important part of our jobs is helping to ensure that people participate, get their thoughts expressed, and are heard. This sometimes means helping to manage people who tend to dominate and inviting quieter people into the conversation. Often, I make a point of asking to hear from some people who have not shared yet or to purposely ask each member to speak to be sure everyone has had an opportunity to offer their thoughts.

Occasionally we will encounter what appears to be someone who is reluctant to speak or has been in some way shut down by the group. Our job is to invite them into the conversation but not force them. Simply asking someone how they are doing or if they want to join in is often enough to encourage their participation. On an occasion such as the one my colleague described, we might make a point of checking back in with the person who offered the differing opinion to see how they are doing. This sends the message that everyone is a valuable contributor, which in turn sends a message of safety to all.

The second part of my colleague’s question relates to differing perspectives. This is a vitally important aspect of good dialogue. When any group is vetting a topic it’s essential to encourage divergent thinking before attempting to make a decision (i.e., engaging in convergent thinking). Most groups move too quickly to solutions without sufficient understanding of the issues or problems. A contrary perspective offers the group an opportunity to explore. Failing to fully explore a topic jeopardizes the quality of the outcome.

A facilitator or any person in the meeting can note that someone has offered a contrasting thought. This is important for two reasons. First, it is important to validate the person who offered the opinion if you want to support relationships in the room. Second, the differing thought helps the group ensure a thorough vetting. Both are important to building good group functioning.

An easy solution to this dynamic is to simply notice what has happened. I often acknowledge the outlier for both the courage to speak a different truth and to be sure the group has adequately addressed the issue raised.

The group also needs to be aware of its own processes to ensure that the processes support participation. If the group ignores or devalues one person, it will likely do it again and eventually alienate a number of people. So raising the dynamic up for examination is one way of helping the group see its own behavior. The ability to observe the process is what allows a group to grow and improve.

Skilled facilitators want to build capacity within the group to self-manage, so modeling how to raise these kinds of dynamic is another important function of the facilitator. A few techniques to try include:

1. Simply acknowledge the dynamic. “I noticed that Jane offered an opinion and the group moved on to express another set of opinions.” Then wait for someone to respond.

2. Use ground rules that set standards for good dialogue—then hold the group to them

3. Loop back to the person who spoke and ask if their concern or idea has been addressed

4. Poll the whole group about how the conversation is going or where they stand on the topic at hand, then ask the group to reflect on what was said.

5. Conduct a simple evaluation at the end of the meeting and ask people what worked and what didn’t.

As always, I invite feedback and questions, as well as your suggestions and ideas!

Difficult Conversations: Bring Light and Warmth

Posted on | November 3, 2009 | No Comments

On this beautiful Washington, D.C. day I am preparing to help an organization confront some very hard conversations. As I look at the sun streaming through my window, it occurs to me that I need to bring light and warmth into the room with my clients.

The light is for bringing light to the truth (as best as it can be told) and helping my clients face with courage their difficult situations—helping them see the facts at hand. The warmth is the feeling of support they need to conduct their conversations in respectful, non-personal ways.

Here are a few tips to bring light and warmth to clients or colleagues:

1. Keep the conversation focused on facts. Separate out the emotions. That is not to say that people are not allowed to have emotions or express them—but those emotions are “reactions,” not concrete data. Keep the two conversations separate. Naming what is data and what is a reaction or emotion will help a group see the difference.

2. Establish ground rules. Set up agreements about how the conversation will be held to ensure respectful dialogue. Ground rules might include: using non-judgmental language, using “I” statements, focusing on problems not people, and seeking to understand. There are a host of possible ground rules to choose from. You want to craft them to suit the particular group’s dynamics. And once you have set them, uphold them!

3. Support people in speaking. If they need encouragement, invite them in. If they need help saying something, offer to help them shape their words. If they offer a thought or opinion, acknowledge their contribution. Sometimes it helps repeating back to people what you hear them say. This helps them feel heard.

4. Model appropriate behavior. Sometimes a group needs to see someone speak a hard truth but in a way that the message gets heard. Don’t be afraid to model that. A group will not do what you or the formal leaders won’t do!

5. Confront with your words and support with your tone. This is another example of how we can tell our truth, but in a way that makes it easier to hear. If we say the words clearly but with a loving tone of voice, we send a message that we care about the person, which in turn helps the other person hear us.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let me know how you help your colleagues or clients bring light and warmth to difficult situations.

What’s the Point of This Conversation?

Posted on | October 29, 2009 | No Comments

Following my recent blog post about clarifying the goal of a meeting, I had the opportunity to put that advice into action. A colleague of mine was asking for my opinion on a situation she was grappling with. She began the conversation with, “I want to ask you about a situation.” And then she launched into the details of a complicated organizational dynamic. Tons of details poured out at me, fast and furious. I was truly overwhelmed. I couldn’t keep up. And truthfully, I didn’t want to track all the details.

My last blog note, was which about the importance of setting goals at the beginning of a conversation, was fresh in my mind. So at the risk of seeming rude, I stopped my colleague and said,” Before you go any further, can you tell me what you want from me? Do you have a specific question you want me to answer?”

She stopped dead in her tracks. I had clearly caught her off guard. She looked stunned, but she sat and thought for a while. Then she said, “Yes, I want you tell me if I can coach the executive and his team at the same time.” She added, “Asking me what I wanted was really helpful. I can focus my ‘story’ now on what you need to know.”

I was so relieved! I did not need to take in every detail. I could look at the issues through a particular lens. I could choose the salient and relevant points to consider. Having a “goal” gave both of us a way to focus our attention. My colleague was able to describe the important facts more succinctly and I could listen for what information I needed in order to give an opinion.

The simple technique of asking, upfront, “What is the goal?” both streamlined the conversation and allowed us to get to the desired endpoint quicker.

This story is just an example of the many ways that we engage in dialogue without knowing why we are talking!! As the talker or the listener we have a responsibility to get clear on the expected outcome. If the presenter doesn’t offer the goal, you as the listener can ask for it.

Try it and see what happens. I’d love to hear your experiences with trying this technique out.

Setting Goals in Conversation: What Do You Want?

Posted on | October 27, 2009 | 2 Comments

Following my recent blog post about clarifying the goal of a meeting, I had the opportunity to put that advice into action. A colleague of mine was asking for my opinion on a situation she was grappling with. She began the conversation with, “I want to ask you about a situation.” And then she launched into the details of a complicated organizational dynamic. Tons of details poured out at me, fast and furious. I was truly overwhelmed. I couldn’t keep up. And truthfully, I didn’t want to track all the details.

My last blog note was about the importance of setting goals at the beginning of a conversation was fresh in my mind. So at the risk of seeming rude, I stopped my colleague and said,” Before you go any further, can you tell m what you want from me? Do you have a specific question you want me to answer?”

She stopped dead in her tracks. I had clearly caught her off guard. She looked stunned, but she sat and though for a while. Then she said, yes, I want you tell me if I can coach the executive and his team at the same time.” She added, “Asking me what I wanted was really helpful. I can focus my ‘story’ now on what you need to know.”

I was so relieved! I did not need to take in every detail. I could look at the issues through a particular lens. I could choose the salient and relevant points to consider. Having a “goal” gave both of us a way to focus our attention. My colleague was able to describe the important facts more succinctly and I could listen for what information I needed to give an opinion.

The simple technique of asking, upfront, “what is the goal?” both streamlined the conversation and allowed us to get to the desired endpoint quicker.

This story is just an example of the many ways that we engage in dialogue without knowing why we are talking!! As the talker or the listener we have a responsibility to get clear on the expected outcome! If the presenter doesn’t offer the goal, you as the listener can ask for it.

Try it and see what happens. I’d love to hear your experiences with trying this technique out.

Managing Work Meetings: Lose — But Don’t Lose — the Lesson

Posted on | October 21, 2009 | No Comments

Facilitating can be a messy business. Anyone who has spent any time managing meetings has run into those moments when things seem to have gotten out of control. As facilitators or meeting managers these moments can get very uncomfortable, even scary. We tend to assume that we should always know what is happening and be able to guide a group back on track. Sometimes we can’t. Sometimes we, too, lose track of the dynamics.

Last night I was attending a meeting but not running it. It ran amuck! People were talking over each other and around each other. There was very little semblance of order. The group had to make a decision, but time was running out. Being a trained facilitator, I was trying hard to stay in observer mode and see if I could summarize the conversation and help the group see where it was. I could not do it. But here’s what I did do:

I stopped the conversation and all the disparate voices. I simply noted the time, reminded everyone of our collective goal, and asked if we might take a minute and go around the room to get everyone’s perspective on where they stood on the issue at hand. I called it a straw poll. They agreed and proceeded. It took some diligence on my part to keep the group quiet while each person talked, but we finally got everyone’s voice heard. Then the group was able to see where each person stood on the issue and what open questions still needed to be answered. The group was then able to reach a conclusion fairly quickly.

A list of lessons often attributed in an e-mail chain letter to the Dalai Lama (but actually lifted from Life’s Little Instruction Book) includes this gem: “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.” So what’s the lesson here? A few:

1. You don’t always have to know everything. Ask others.
2. When conversations get messy, most people know it—and would welcome some help.
3. Be brave enough to point out what’s happening. It can be a relief to others!
4. When the process isn’t working, stop it.

The technique I used is a pretty simple one: Just suggest that the group take time out and get each person’s perspective. Or, if it’s a voting situation, take a preliminary poll. During this time there can be no debate. This is a just a chance to get a sense of where each person stands on a particular subject. When everyone’s done, then you can ask for a summation and thoughts for next steps. It’s easy and fairly quick, and it allows everyone to get a fuller picture of where things stand.

As always I would be interested in your feedback or experiences. As that “Dalai Lama” e-mail also advised, “Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.”

Giving Feedback: The Power of Positive

Posted on | October 20, 2009 | No Comments

In some recent posts I have talked about the power of positive feedback and how hard it is to hear it. Recently I had a client talk to me about improving team morale. Her team was struggling with reductions in staff and budgets—a common experience in today’s economy. The team has been feeling overwhelmed and was struggling to keep services at the same level with fewer resources. They also felt that the “administration” didn’t value them. My client was noticing that morale was suffering and her staff meetings, when the team discussed current problems or crises, felt unproductive.

She asked me, as a facilitator and meeting designer, how to make her team meetings more productive. Typically I would talk about designing good conversations and structuring thorough dialogue—but in this case, my client’s description of the low morale made me think about the situation differently. This group was focusing on all the negative aspects of work and on the gap between what was needed and their limited resources. So I made a suggestion to my client: She was to begin each meeting by asking each person to share something they were proud of accomplishing in the previous week. She agreed reluctantly to try the technique for one month, though the suggestion certainly hadn’t been what she had hoped I would offer!

A month later she called to say that opening her meetings with that question had dramatic effects on the staff and the meetings. She reported that at first people were a bit reluctant to answer and had a hard time even finding answers. But she held firm and waited for each person to respond. She said they got better at answering each week. And as the month went on, she and her staff were shocked to realize how much they were accomplishing and how good it felt to recognize it. They noticed that, having acknowledged successes, they could take on the other meeting topics in a more positive fashion. They started seeing them as opportunities and challenges instead of weighty, unsolvable problems. Overall, my client reported that people were feeling more successful and energized.

This story is another example of how we forget to acknowledge the good things and how programmed we are to solve problems. Problem solving is great and, in fact, essential—but dealing with problems can be demoralizing if we never look at our accomplishments.

Acknowledging good work, progress and successes builds energy and enthusiasm. Why keep plugging away if the only reward is feeling bad? Find ways to regularly acknowledge positive contributions and progress. Starting your meetings this way is only one solution. Try it and see what happens.

Stay tuned, and I will give some other suggestions in my next blog. If you have any suggestions for acknowledging positive accomplishments, I’d love to hear them—and I am sure other readers would, too. Please leave your comments.

How to Change Conflict into Learning

Posted on | October 15, 2009 | No Comments

It always surprises me that I have to keep learning the same lessons over and over again when it comes to conflict management. Maybe you have that experience yourself. I teach others all the time that asking questions is an important part of having productive conversations, yet last week I had my own reminder of the power of questions.

My parents live in an assisted living facility and I have recently been unhappy with the way the facility handled a few medical incidents. The truth is, I was mad!! Really mad. I requested a meeting with the relevant staff at the facility. One of my brothers, who happens to be a physician, flew in to town to attend the meeting with me.

Following the Reboot! preparation template, my brother and I spent some time getting ready for the meeting. We thought through:

• What had happened (the facts of each incident)
• Questions we had (information we needed)
• The issues we wanted resolved
• What we wanted to see happen as a result of our discussions
• What we each have done that might have contributed to any problems

We began the meeting by sharing our topics and mutual goals. We proceeded to address the easy issues. As we entered the hot topic of how the staff had handled or mishandled some situations, the medical administrator started expounding in a firm, rapid-fire manner. It felt both aggressive and defensive. I sat there watching her behavior and my own reaction. I was frustrated. I wanted to fight back and argue. Mostly I wanted to “win” the argument.

While I pondered that, I let the medical administrator continue talking about all the steps she and her staff had taken in each of the incidents. This not only gave me breathing room, but it let her get her pent-up emotions out. (Allowing the other person in your conversation to let off steam inevitably brings the tension down. It’s like letting air out of a balloon.)

At a point when she took a breath, I simply asked, “So in your professional opinion, as you review these incidents, how well do your staff’s responses measure up to your standards?” She paused. I think she had expected a backlash from me and was taken aback by a respectful question. She then outlined what she would have done differently and what others might have done differently in each of the incidents.

In the end, she assessed her own behavior and that of her staff in a very fair manner. She made MY point. I never had to point anything out, because she knew it all along. The key had been to invite her to discover it herself. That’s because questions invite others to explore an issue for themselves—and self-discovery is the most powerful form of learning.

When facing situations in which I want another person to learn something, I find it helpful to think about what I want to say and then ask myself how to turn my statement into a question. The question needs to be:

1. Open ended: This means a question that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no.” Think of starting your question with “how” or “what,” as these naturally require explanations.
2. Respectful: Make sure you pose the question in a way that invites the person to step up and open up.
3. Curious: Invite the person to explore, not defend.

Try it, the next time you find yourself wanting to tell someone something or to advise. Just ask yourself, how do I turn my statement into a question? It may take some time and definitely some practice, but it will be well worth it. You will find that you reach the same destination with fewer struggles and have built a better relationship with the other person. What more could you ask for?

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts as well as your ideas on turning statements into questions.

Finding the Job That Fits

Posted on | October 13, 2009 | 2 Comments

Even in today’s market it’s important to be sure you find a job that is a good fit for you. A good fit, where you feel comfortable and where your talent and skills are valued and well utilized, will support both your success and the organization’s long-term success.

When job hunting, most people focus on impressing an employer. They tend to overlook that the interview is an opportunity for them to evaluate whether this job and the organization will be a good fit for them. Clients often ask me, “How do I know if the workplace is a good one? How do I know if it’s right for me?” Here’s how:

• First, know yourself. Take a self-inventory. What are your interests, talents and skills? What kind of worker are you? Do you need quiet and solitude? Do you prefer teamwork and a busy office? What kind of balance do you have or seek to have in work and life? What would an ideal workplace look like to you? Ask yourself these questions and know what you want before you go into an interview. Then, arm yourself with a list of questions about the workplace that you want answered.
• Second, watch how you are treated as an applicant. How an employer treats you during the hiring phase will be indicative of how they treat their employees in the work place. Notice how timely they are in response to your application, how you are invited to interview, how you are greeted, how they treat you and how comfortable you are. All of these are an indication of how the organization is run and what it might feel like to work there.
• Third, observe the workplace. Notice what is happening around you. Look at other employees. Do they look happy, well rested, and energetic? What does the physical layout look like? Is it conducive to your work style? Does it support interactions and work flow? What’s the mood like? How are people dressed? What are they doing? Take a look around for cartoons. Often the cartoons have themes that may tell you something about the culture.
• Fourth, ask probing questions to find out if the place and the job meet your requirements. Find out what’s expected of you, who your boss is, what their style is, who else you will be working with, what the hours are, etc. Ask about the culture and traditions. A good question to ask is about retention. How much turnover is there? Watch not just for the answer but also how comfortable the employer is with answering that question. Do they appear to be open and proud of the information or are they getting defensive?
• Fifth, tell the truth. It’s important to tell a prospective employer about yourself honestly. They need to know who you are and what kind of an employee you will be. Being frank and open about your skills, talents and needs is an important part of being sure that you are a good fit for the employer. You want them to get a positive picture of you, but it needs to be an honest self-assessment too.
• Sixth, ask to spend a day or half day in the workplace before you accept a position. This is a very important step. Be sure to spend time interacting with your future colleagues. Find some time to interact with them and ask some questions: What do you like and dislike about the workplace? What’s the best thing about working at the organization? What’s something you would change? What is the management style? Another good question to ask is, “If I was your best friend, what would you tell me to make sure that I am successful here?” Your future coworkers are often the most likely to give you a more accurate picture of what the work environment will be like.

Finally, find people who work at the organization through other channels and set up a time to talk to them. Get their opinions of the work environment. These are often good conversations because they are outside the interviewing process and people may feel freer to talk candidly when they are away from work.

Finding a job isn’t easy, especially in the current economic environment. And finding the right job at the right place can be even more difficult. But finding a job that fits is essential if you are going to be a happy, productive and engaged employee. It’s worth the little extra effort it takes to find out if that job is the right fit. By knowing yourself, asking the right questions and observing the workplace, you can find the job and the workplace that is right for you.

Good News is Hard to Hear

Posted on | September 24, 2009 | 4 Comments

One of the things that amazes me is the difficulty we humans have with accepting good news. How many times have you found yourself sloughing off a compliment or downplaying an accomplishment? I see this all the time as I coach executives or facilitate conversations. People offer positive comments and the recipients disregard them or downplay them. Why is that? Maybe an even better question is, what can we do to improve our ability to take in good information?

First, accept the notion that positive information is important. It helps us understand what we do well. It gives us data about where we are being successful. It motivates us and gives us a sense of success and positive impact. Without positive information we don’t know what we are doing that works, and we deprive ourselves of a sense of accomplishment.

Here’s a recent example:

I was in the middle of an executive coaching session when I said, “Wow, you’ve made a lot of progress.” My client responded that my compliment “sounds so disingenuous.” When I inquired further, she explained that when people give her positive feedback she discounts it. As we talked more she revealed that, because she wants to be further along in her career, she feels that the progress she has made doesn’t count.

I asked my client to imagine that she was holding in one hand the progress she has made, and in the other hand the progress she wants to make. I asked her how she felt. She said that she felt balanced and encouraging. She felt motivated to do more. And she realized that in discounting her accomplishments and only focusing on the need for more work, she was discouraging herself.

In addition, one statement alone is not the full truth. She had indeed made progress but she wanted more! Both statements were true, and noticing the positive was a motivating factor.

So the next time someone offers you a compliment, take it in. Make sure you ask for the specifics. A general statement such as “good job!” is not enough information. Ask what was good about the work you did. Ask for the concrete, specific details. This helps you know precisely what you did that was perceived as helpful. Do not discount the information or comment. Pay attention to the feeling you have when you allow yourself to take in the positive comments and details.

If you can do nothing else, simply say “Thank you.” Watch your reaction even to that. Are you uncomfortable? Do you have a desire to ignore it or brush it off? Resist the urge. Ask yourself what is true about the statement made to you. Let yourself feel the positive impact of receiving a compliment. Take a moment to savor the moment and see what happens.

As always, I encourage you to share your experiences with accepting compliments or positive feedback. Powerful stories are helpful to all our readers! I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Communication Strategies: Incite or Invite

Posted on | September 22, 2009 | No Comments

My recent blog posts have been focused on the receiver of information. This post asks you to look at how you are communicating. What messages, verbal or behavioral, are you sending your coworkers, friends, family and strangers?

The past weeks have been filled with examples of public outbursts, from Joe Wilson calling President Obama a liar to Serena Williams verbally attacking a line judge and Kanye West grabbing the microphone at the MTV Video Music Awards. There was even a march on Washington, a so-called “Tea Party” that included a sign saying “Bury Obamacare with Kennedy.”

Our nation and the world have a vast array of problems that need to be addressed. We need our greatest minds and our hearts involved in deep, inclusive and thoughtful conversations. But these behaviors incite and inflame rather than invite discourse and learning. They focus attention on the outburst rather than the issues at hand. Read more

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