Communication Strategies: Incite or Invite
Posted on | September 22, 2009 | No Comments
My recent blog posts have been focused on the receiver of information. This post asks you to look at how you are communicating. What messages, verbal or behavioral, are you sending your coworkers, friends, family and strangers?
The past weeks have been filled with examples of public outbursts, from Joe Wilson calling President Obama a liar to Serena Williams verbally attacking a line judge and Kanye West grabbing the microphone at the MTV Video Music Awards. There was even a march on Washington, a so-called “Tea Party” that included a sign saying “Bury Obamacare with Kennedy.”
Our nation and the world have a vast array of problems that need to be addressed. We need our greatest minds and our hearts involved in deep, inclusive and thoughtful conversations. But these behaviors incite and inflame rather than invite discourse and learning. They focus attention on the outburst rather than the issues at hand. Read more
Difficult Conversations: Receiving Information Part 2
Posted on | September 10, 2009 | No Comments
As I wrote in my last post about difficult conversations, it’s normal to become nervous or even defensive when someone approaches us with feedback. These reactions can get in the way of listening, however. One technique that can help you relax and focus on the speaker’s message is to assume that the other person has good intentions.
One related story happened to me many years ago. I was facilitating a divided and pained management team. One person on the team was an incessant talker and naysayer. No one wanted to listen to her. She would often be ranting and out of line. Her comments were often negative about people on the team and the team itself. One day, as I was watching her alienate everyone once again, I wondered why she kept taking when she knew everyone was shut down. I tried to look behind her behavior and see what was motivating her. I realized she didn’t feel heard. Hard to believe? Yes—but it was true.
After the meeting I went to the company’s CEO and advised her that, in the next meeting, she was to acknowledge this woman’s comments by paraphrasing what she said back to her. The CEO did exactly that, and it worked. The woman was momentarily stunned. She didn’t keep talking. She simply said, yes, that was my point.
Over time, by using this technique, the group was able to start listening to her. She spoke more concisely once she felt heard. In this case, the woman was trying to bring some uncomfortable situations to the team’s attention. They had been unable to “hear” her because of her approach. Once they understood that her intention was positive and once she could deliver her messages in fewer words, the team was able to take in the information and look at the situation with an eye toward resolution. The end result? A great learning for everyone.
In this example, listening to the speaker and reflecting back what she was saying helped her feel “heard”—and helped the team accept and act on her feedback. The more relaxed everyone became, the easier it was for them to communicate—and for everyone to understand that they shared good intentions.
Give this a try—and as always, let me know how it goes!
Difficult Conversations: Receiving Feedback
Posted on | September 9, 2009 | 1 Comment
When someone approaches us wanting to give us feedback, whether it’s a boss or a friend, we often find ourselves getting nervous and maybe defensive. These reactions are normal—and they also get in the way of listening. Instead of getting involved in a number of difficult conversations, you can use a number of techniques to help your relax and better receive the intended message. Let’s focus on one: Looking for the other person’s intention.
Most people have positive intentions. They are not seeking to be harmful or hurtful. In fact, in a recent poll I did on a small group, I found that 39% of the people did not confront a difficult situation because they feared it would escalate or “blow up.” Another 34% were not sure they had the right words to provide difficult feedback. People are generally fearful about entering difficult conversations, and as a result, they are often uneasy and awkward. As a receiver of feedback, you can make the conversation much easier on yourself and on the person who is trying to communicate with you if you assume good intentions.
In my many years of conducting conflict mediation and group facilitation, I have never met anyone who had a malicious intent. Some people’s behavior may have looked difficult or inappropriate, but if I probed their intentions they all wanted to improve the situation or have better working conditions.
There is a saying, “We want to be judged on our intentions, but we judge others on their behavior.” That’s a great saying to keep in mind. How do you find someone’s intention? You can ask! When someone asks to speak to you, ask “what about?” Next, ask a simple question: What is your hope today? Then start listening. Reflect back what you hear and see how the person reacts.
It’s also important to notice any emotion the other person is carrying. Are they upset, angry, nervous? The emotion can be a clue as to what is happening for the other person. You can put them at ease by saying, “I see this is upsetting for you or hard for you.” Another approach you can try is to say, “Thank you for coming in to see me. I know it took courage to have this conversation.”
You may also give yourself the right to acknowledge your own state. If you are nervous, it’s alright to say that. Putting your own feelings on the table helps the other person understand the impact they are having on you in the moment. You, too, will notice that when you say it, the feelings will start to dissipate. The more relaxed you and the other person become the easier it will be for them to communicate—and for you to understand that their intent is to be helpful. You want to be able to hear the message and discuss it in an open, exploratory way.
As always, try it. You may like it. Even if you don’t, at least you’ll learn something. And please let me know how it goes.
Difficult Conversations: A Good Lesson for the Receiver
Posted on | September 4, 2009 | No Comments
Much of the literature about difficult conversations is written from the perspective of the person giving feedback or directions. It’s equally important to be a good receiver of information. Being willing to listen intently, understand another persons’ perspective and be willing to accept your responsibility in any given situation will enhance your own self-knowledge, expand your range of skills and build your relationships with others.
It’s important to remember that feedback is often a reflection of the giver. This is not to say that it has nothing to do with you; it simply means that the other person is noticing something about you that reflects what they care about. Though you are responsible for your behavior, the person’s emotional response is his or her own. A simple example:
You are late for an appointment with three friends. One friend is angry, one mildly annoyed, and one doesn’t care. Your behavior impacted each of them differently. If you want to maintain relationships with all three, you need to notice that the impact of your behavior was different for each of them and attend to any of their feedback as such. The friend who is angry needs to take responsibility for why they feel anger, but you need to take responsibility to your lateness and understand that in the future you need to be more conscious of the time when interacting with this friend — if that is a request of theirs.
This is true in a work situation as well. If you have a boss, co-worker or an employee who wants to offer some feedback to you, it’s important for you to maintain that same distinction. A person’s emotional response is his or her own choice; your responsibility is to note that emotion. Something you did triggered it. If you want to work well with this person you need to acknowledge the impact you had on them and then focus on what you can or cannot do to modify your behavior in the future.
A client of mine years ago was very upset at a retreat I had been hired to facilitate. The meeting had started late and materials were missing. I could see how mad she was and knew she had feedback for me. I continued to facilitate the meeting, which ended on a very solid note. I knew my client was still upset so I made an appointment with her following the retreat. I went in with some trepidation and asked her what she thought about the retreat. She expressed frustration and anger about the kick off. I acknowledged her anger and asked her what specifically she was upset by. She gave me a litany of errors she had perceived.
After she expressed her emotions and she seemed to calm down, I walked her through the actual events surrounding each of the grievances. I was willing to see how I had contributed. Who had the materials? Who had supervised the creation of the materials and supply list, who had been responsible for people’s attendance etc? What had I done? Quickly, she began to see that her own deputy had been the one responsible for what she had perceived as errors. She started to get upset as she realized that she often has expectations that are not met. As we talked more, she started to see her own contribution to the situation and that her failure to give clear direction or oversight often left her disappointed. I asked her then what I might have done to contribute to that dynamic in this situation and what I could do in the future. At that point, she said that I might have helped her oversee the situation better and she wanted me to coach her in how to be a more effective manager. This incident taught me a lot of lessons:
1. Not to avoid the hard conversations.
2. Allow someone to fully express his or her emotions and reflect it back.
3. Ask about and listen for concrete details.
4. Ask for the specific behaviors you may have demonstrated.
5. Be willing to hear your own contribution and acknowledge them
6. Offer to make amends or modify future behavior
7. Acknowledge the other person for being willing to talk with you
Had I left the retreat and not sought out feedback, I would never have had an opportunity to repair the relationship, help my client grow and learn, and I would have been deprived of my own learning.
When someone offers you feedback or wants to have a difficult conversation with you its an opportunity to help them sort through a situation, learn about themselves and for you to gain new insights. Most importantly you gain an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with them.
Managing Conversations: Use Yourself Well
Posted on | September 3, 2009 | No Comments
In my work as a facilitator, consultant and coach I am often in situations in which people want to know how to best manage a difficult conversation either one on one or in a group setting. One essential part of helping to facilitate a conversation is to know yourself really well. One particular piece of information you need is to know your own personality or “presence.” This refers to the energetic quality you have no matter where you are. It’s what you exude without even speaking.
We have all had first impressions. Where do they come from?? We just see someone and we get sense of them. Some people feel intense, some warm and friendly, some aloof, some guarded and so on. The immediate impression you make is important to know. This energy is foundational. It’s what people sense or pick up almost immediately. How you use that quality can directly impact your work with others. If you ignore it, you may well be impacting in ways you are unaware of. If you use the quality with care it can support you in being successful.
If you come off as soft, you have more latitude with the words you choose. A client of mine who is a high-ranking executive in the government asked me to help her have a more authoritative presence. In her case, she had a very warm and soft presence. We were not going to change that; we were going to use it. We worked on strengthening her words. Given her natural warmth, she could use much stronger language than someone who has a commanding or intimidating presence. People with a strong, imposing presence have to soften their language to counter their natural energy. Being aware of your natural energy can help you adjust both you tone ad words to create in a conscious way the impact you want to have.
Take some time and think about how you strike people in a first impression. How would others describe you? Ask a few friends, “What was your first impression of me?” Another very telling exercise is to get with friend or trusted colleague and ask them to finish this sentence “ In your presence, I feel…” Their answers you get will be clues about how you strike people before you even talk!
Use the rule of “confront with your words and support with your tone.” If you bear in mind what energetics you bring and adjust this formula accordingly you will, in all likelihood, be able to manage your impact with more precision.
Try it. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Conflict Training 101: It’s Not What You Said…
Posted on | August 26, 2009 | No Comments
Oftentimes, when working in conflict training I hear similar comments from people. For instance: “It’s not WHAT you said; it’s HOW you said it!”
How many times have you heard that refrain?
Sometimes it doesn’t matter how you said it, the person just doesn’t want to hear you. However, sometimes it is how you said it. There are many books written on feedback and on having good conversations available. A simple process to follow is described in my book, Reboot! Your Working Relationships The Reboot! process will serve you well in almost any situation and offers you conflict strategies.
You can hold one simple rule in mind: Confront with your words and support with your tone. If you do nothing else, follow that rule. Following this guideline will get you through many a difficult conversation. If your tone of voice is modulated and infused with support, your message is more likely to be received.
Think of a time someone was mad at you. Did you get the “I am angry” message from the exact words or the tone of voice? Most likely, you got it from the tone of voice. Have you had an experience in which someone said something with their words but you knew they were mad? How did you know? Their tone of voice! Some people call this a double message. Your words and tone send different messages. When you want to be heard you have to make sure your tone of voice allows someone to hear your words. The tone also needs to reflect the underlying intention, which is usually to sustain, build or improve a relationship.
Experiment: Watch other people for a week. Observe what they say and how they say it. Did their tone send a message?? What was the message? Was the tone supporting the words being said or was it countering the verbal message? Notice what makes you want to listen to another person?? What tone were they using? Take note of what works.
Now you try it. Think of someone you want to talk to about a situation. What do you want to say? Imagine the conversation. What words will you use? Practice saying those words in a tone of voice that invites the other person into the conversation. Try consciously using an inviting, warm and supportive voice or even just a neutral even tone. See what happens. Let me know.
As always, I invite your comments or questions!
Tags: Uncategorized
Tip 1 for Virtual Meeting Facilitation
Posted on | August 24, 2009 | No Comments
Many organizations find it cost efficient to have meetings by phone, which is a challenging way to faciliate a meeting. Though it can be efficient to have participants call in, it can be difficult to manage a virtual meeting. People often report feeling they did not participate enough or had a hard time joining in the conversation. There are helpful tools that can help these virtual meetings work better.
One technique is to create a visual representation of the group on a piece of paper and keep it by you. Here’s how to create the picture and how to use it:
- Imagine people at a table. Take a piece of paper and draw a circle on it.
- Place the name of each person who is on the call around the circle.
- Be sure everyone checks in at the beginning of the call to get them present and known to everyone else in the meeting
- As people talk, put a check mark next to their name
- As the conversation progresses be sure to check who has spoken and who has not. Be sure to include people in the conversation who have not yet spoken or are joining in less than others.
- Stop halfway through the meeting and check to see how the participants are doing. Ask if there is anything, in regard to being on the phone, they need before proceeding
- At the end, do a quick check out with everyone to see how the meeting went and be sure to ask for any further suggestions to improve future calls.
Creating a picture of the group and noting their names will help you both visualize and remember who is on the call. Over time, you will find that your meetings feel more inclusive. If you ask for suggestions for improvement and follow them, you will undoubtedly find even more ways to make these virtual meetings efficient and productive.
Tags: executive coaching > facilitation > leadership training > meeting facilitation > virtual meetings > workplace conflict > workplace metings
Meeting Facilitation: To Meet or Not To Meet
Posted on | August 19, 2009 | No Comments
A complaint I hear often, as I am sure you do, is that there are too many meetings. People feel overwhelmed by number of meetings they attend to say nothing of attending meetings that have no real outcomes. It almost feels like a constant refrain. Here’s an example of how to handle some of these demands.
An executive in a high-profile company asked me to come in and meet with her about the possibility of my coaching her. This executive is quite successful in her own right and is perceived in her profession as a leader. In our initial meeting, she explained quite firmly that she needed me to teach her how to be a strategic thinker and how to evaluate business deals. “Why?” I asked. She said she had been called into several meetings with the president of the company and the head of business ventures to meet with the heads of other companies to discuss the possibility of partnering. She explained that she has no idea how to evaluate a business deal or how to assess whether another company should become a partner. She further explained that she is results oriented and didn’t want to waste anyone’s time. She felt it was imperative that she learn these skills in order to make substantive contribution to these meetings.
In truth, this was not a woman to be trifled with and she was quite clear she had a task for me. I assured her that we could certainly develop a plan for her to acquire those skills and that I was happy to help but at the risk of seeming to non responsive or wasting her time, I persisted in my line of questioning. What are the purpose of those meetings? Who invites her? What are their expectations of her? What do they ask her to do in the meetings? Her answers were all fairly vague and reflected her assumptions about what they wanted. I could see she was getting frustrated.
She wanted me to give her the information!! Finally, I asked her if she had ever asked them why they are inviting you. She said she hadn’t. My response was: “Before we proceed with this engagement, which could be time consuming and costly, I want you to ask either the president or the head of business development why they are including you. Speak to which ever one of them you are most comfortable asking.” We agreed to meet the following week.
I, of course, sensing this woman’s urgency did all my due diligence and came in armed with books, reference material, ready to teach. My client entered to room and sat down unusually quiet and said, “I am eye candy.” She went on to explain that she had done as I asked and inquired about her role in these meetings. She was told that she is invited because people are impressed by the opportunity to meet her. They wanted her to be herself. She was surprised, maybe a bit irked, but mostly relieved. She could go back to her real work.
The lesson here for all of us is to know why we are attending meetings and why we are inviting others. Every meeting should have a purpose and each person in attendance should know why they are there and what they are expected to contribute. If you don’t have the answers to those questions, get them and if there is not a good business imperative to be there, you should be making a decision to use your time in a better way.
Facilitation and Deep Listening: Opening Hearts and Minds
Posted on | August 17, 2009 | No Comments
Staying present and being open to others can create unexpected changes. I was honored this week to watch the magic of that approach.
I was traveling with a group of young people — a diverse group in terms of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, political ideologies and all passionate activists. We were in a remote setting away from the noise, rhetoric and often impersonal world of Washington, DC to condcut a three-day meeting. A few of the group members were a bit spooked by being in such a desolate area. We met two young men who are responsible for the property where we stayed. The two young men appeared, on the surface, quite different from us and they looked at us with curiosity. The situation was ripe with the possibility of negative judgments.
On the second evening of our stay, the men came to take us on a boat ride. Hesitantly and carefully, they asked questions about who we were and what we did for a living. As the evening unfolded and the openness of my traveling companions became more apparent, the conversations deepened. I watched as one young man spoke so honestly of how different he felt from “us.” He tentatively named “who he was” by describing his affinities. I am white, I am a Christian, I am a Republican and so on. One of the women in the goup engaged with him very intently. She stayed present to him, just took in what he said, offered no judgments. In answer to each label he mentioned, which might have created a wall, she said, “Some of us call ourselves that” and left it. She didn’t defend, argue, advise or try to enlighten. She just answered looking directly at him with her heart open and spoke truthfully. He shared some deeply personal stories. As the evening ended, he thanked us. I watched in total awe as he reached out to hug the woman he had been talking to and asked to stay in touch. They exchanged cards. As he left, the woman said, “Wow, I love him.” As we all stood in admiration of how she had effortlessly opened her heart to someone so different from herself and who she could easily have judged negatively or rejected. Instead she chose to be in conversation, which led to hearts opening and greater understanding. It was a lesson to us all.
Where do you close off? Who and what are you unwilling to be with? How does your own closed stance separate you from others? How do those walls serve?
Try seeing beyond the labels and rhetoric to the heart. Just listen and open and see what walls can crumble. How much better would we be as humans if we could bring the walls of false separation down?
Conversation Management Techniques
Posted on | August 12, 2009 | No Comments
As a meeting manager one of your key jobs is to keep the group on track. If you have been tracking the conversation, including the topics and where the group is in the PowerfulWork conversation model (see my earlier blog post), you can use any of the following tools to reorient a group that appears to be lost or floundering in some way:
- Summarizing: Recapping the conversation. “This is where I think you are…”
- Normalizing: Describing the situation as a normal part of the process. “This is exactly where you should be…, all groups go through this…”
- Gatekeeping: Maintaining a balanced conversation. Helping reluctant participants to get heard and reducing the airtime of “over-talkers.” “We haven’t heard from a few people in the room yet—I’d like to ask them if they have something to add.”
- Acknowledging: Recognizing a contribution or effort. “Thank you for offering that comment”, or “I understand how hard that must have been for you.”
- Giving context and locating the conversation: Stating the overall goal and how a conversation fits into the bigger picture. “Remember that we are discussing X; this conversation is connected in this way…”
- Paraphrasing and connecting: Repeating back what was said in your own words and helping the participants link what they are saying to the conversation at hand. “Is this what you mean? How does that relate to this conversation—or is it another topic?”
- Questioning: Actively exploring or asking questions to assist the group or an individual in contributing effectively. “Can anyone summarize where we are? Is this conversation important?”
- Interrupting and reiterating ground rules: Interceding to ask someone to abide by the agreed-upon rules of conduct. “Excuse me; I believe we agreed to one topic at a time” or XYZ…
- Naming the topic, the behavior: Simply stating what you are seeing or hearing. “Here is what I see happening…”
- Theming / taking a meta-view: Summarizing a series of related comments and finding a common theme, then tying the theme to the overall conversation. “Here is how what we are talking about relates to a bigger issue…”
- Locating lost threads: Noticing what topics or comments have been lost or ignored. “A minute ago you were discussing XYZ; are you done with that conversation?”
Tags: conflict strategies > difficult conversations > facilitation > mediation