Changing How We See Things Changes the World
Posted on | August 10, 2009 | No Comments
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A client of mine called me recently asking me about how to fire someone. I asked him to tell me why he felt this person was not doing her job. He went on at length about all the things she had done wrong. After a time, I asked, “What does she do well?’ His answer was, “I don’t know, probably nothing.” I challenged him to spend the next week intentionally looking for what she did well – or for anything she contributed positively. He resisted a bit, but I assured him that he could still fire her if wanted to, but just to try this exercise for a week.
A week went by and I called him. With some surprise in his voice he told me that he had seen number of things that he had not seen before. He talked about how well this person handled a meeting, how she created a working paper that was very thorough. He also had seen her ask some really good questions, and so much more. Overall, he was surprised by what he had observed and now was reluctant to fire her. He admitted to becoming so focused on the negative that he had become blind to her strengths and contributions. His decision ultimately was to continue observing her over a longer period of time to ensure a balanced viewpoint.
This dynamic happens to us all. There is a saying, “We are what we see.” We create our lives through what we choose to see. It’s easy to go out every day and “see” rudeness or other negative behaviors, especially if that’s what we are looking for. That’s one of the ways we create our world view – that things are really bad in our society. But what if we decided to look for the good in the world – kind gestures, heroic acts, simple but polite kindnesses – would we begin to see good in our world? Would we change our world view? And if we change our world view, I believe we would be happier, which in turn, if my guess is correct, would make us more inclined to act accordingly.
Try it for a week and see what happens. Commit to looking for all the kind gestures or for all the good news. See what happens and notice the effect on you. I’d love to hear what you learn.
Tags: conflict strategies > facilitation > facilitation skills > perspectives
Meeting Facilitation: Making Meetings Work
Posted on | August 5, 2009 | No Comments
I am often called into organizations to facilitate a conversation, but meeting managers can easily use many of the tools we facilitators use (because anyone running a meeting should be actively facilitating the meeting.) One of the most important and powerful facilitation tools is tracking conversations, which helps keep a group or even an individual on topic until completion.
Why is this useful? More often than not, groups jump around from topic to topic and never resolve anything. They will start on a subject and very quickly start taking “journeys” away from the main topic. One idea sparks another. If unchecked this dynamic can quickly keep the group from every reaching a conclusion. I am sure you have seen this in your meetings. Its one of the major reasons meetings feel unproductive.
All conversations are comprised of threads, which in turn include two important elements: Read more
Tags: business coaching > facilitation > facilitation skills > management coaching > meeting favilitaton
Facilitation Skills: What to Do About Bad Meetings?
Posted on | August 3, 2009 | No Comments
Many people think that their work meetings are either out of control or a waste of time. Worse, they feel that they can’t fix the problem because they are not in charge. But in fact, anyone can positively impact the meetings they attend. No matter where you sit (metaphorically) at the table, you have the power to effect a change. It’s actually pretty simple.
First, let’s review the elements of a good meeting: Read more
Tags: business training > facilitation > facilitation skills > leadership skills > management coaching > work meetings > workplace meetings
Conflict Strategies: Transforming Conflict into Productivity
Posted on | August 2, 2009 | No Comments
A recent study (PDF) conducted by CPP, Inc. in partnership with OPP, Ltd in Europe and Fellipelli in Brazil examined workers in nine countries
to see how different cultures view conflict. The authors reported astounding findings!
Here are some of the findings:
- 85% of employees at all levels experience conflict to some degree
- In the U.S., 36% of employees report dealing with conflict always or
frequently - U.S. employees, on average, spend 2.8 hours per week dealing with
conflict‹which adds up to 385 million working days per year - In the U.S., time spent on conflict costs $359 billion in paid hours in 2008
- 27% of employees report that they have been in a workplace
disagreement that led to personal insults or attacks; 25% have seen conflict
result in sickness or absence - Almost half (48%) of employees in the nonprofit sector reported being involved in a conflict that led to sickness or absence
There is no doubt from this study and many others that conflict is endemic, and that it costs individuals and our organizations. It is seen at all levels and in all types of organizations. And unmanaged conflict has a real, negative impact on our health and our productivity.
So what’s the good news?
The study also revealed that:
- Training is the biggest driver of quality outcomes from conflict
- 95% of people receiving training said it helped them
- 76% said they had seen conflict lead to a positive result
- 41% said that conflict led to a better understanding of others
- 29% found that conflict led to a better solution to a problem
- 27% said training made them more comfortable and/or confident about
dealing with conflict - 81% of U.S. workers reported seeing positive results from well-managed conflict
- 27% of the workers surveyed reported feeling good about the conflict as they felt the issue had been well aired and dealt with
- 62% of the respondents felt conflict was everyone’s responsibility
What does this tell us?
Conflict is inevitable, but it can be healthy. Well managed, it can lead to more productive workplaces and healthier relationships. Armed with the right tools, people are willing and able to step into difficult conversations and come out stronger.
Because the study makes the case that training is a major contributor to supporting good conversations, it¹s important to start finding ways to build your skills and the skills of your coworkers. Here are some ideas:
- Look for a dispute resolution or mediation center in your area and ask if they offer any training programs
- Review management and business literature. Two excellent books are Crucial Conversations and Difficult Conversations.
- Look at your local community college and other continuing education programs for short courses
- Ask your employer to bring in a workshop
- Search the Web. There are some great resources out there.
- National Institute for Advanced Conflict Resolution
- Center for Dispute Settlement
- Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR)
- National Association for Community Mediation (NAFCM)
- American Bar Association Section on Dispute Resolution
- The Conflict Resolution Information Source
- Ask your professional association for recommendations
- For a fast, practical read, pick up: Reboot! Your Working
Relationships.
Tags: conflict strategies > conflict training > dispute resolution > mediation > resolve conflict > resolving conflict > workplace conflict
What Are We Fighting About?
Posted on | July 27, 2009 | No Comments
The grief is searing and seemingly boundless. In an instant, the world changed. Two boys, 24 and 20, on route home with their dog, their lives stretching endlessly ahead of them. They are happy, healthy—full of energy, aspirations and love. Their lives end in what seems to the rest of us as a flash. One horrific moment. Now those of us left behind struggle to cope with the grief, deep and relentless. We try to fathom the unfathomable, console the inconsolable, control the uncontrollable.
I feel my own grief, I see my own children struggle to come to terms with this loss, understand what can’t be explained. I watch the parents of the boys try to comprehend the incomprehensible and deal with unimaginable pain. I watch neighbors, family members, friends, classmates, teammates and coworkers gather and reach out to one another. I see the web of pain as it extends well beyond my own comprehension to people and places I don’t know. It’s an extraordinary vision—to see and imagine the number of people affected by this tragedy. I realize that this one event and these two very special boys will have a lasting effect on all who knew them.
I think about the work I do, the organizations I go into every day, the world I live in. I think of the struggles, big and small, that I help my clients resolve, and I wonder, what are we fighting about?
The enormity of the web I see makes me want to create another web, equally expansive and powerful, to send another message. Might not this be a moment to tell someone you love them? Tell those closest to you, for sure. Hold them close and cherish your time with them. But also tell your neighbors and your friends, and then open your heart to those you don’t know or don’t like and hope that you create a web, this one a conduit of understanding, compassion and love.
This is the web these two boys began. If we hadn’t loved them—and them, us—there would be no grief.
Let’s continue the web they started. One of love.
Tags: better communication > communication > difficult conversations
Strategic Planning or Strategic Choking?
Posted on | July 21, 2009 | No Comments
Scene One: I am called in to meet with a board of directors. They would like me to facilitate a strategic planning process for them. This will be my fourth strategic planning engagement with this organization, spanning almost 20 years. The board members are peppering me with the usual questions: How much will it cost? How long with it take? Can we meet on Saturdays? Etc., etc. Suddenly a board member blurts out, “Marcia, every time you come in
here and do strategic planning, someone leaves.” The energy in the room shifts to tension.
Time out.
My external reaction: Calm, cool, collected.
My internal reaction: Panic, fear and anxiety, accompanied with thoughts such as, “I am totally incompetent” and “I better find a way to crawl to the door without flying objects hitting me.”
Resume Action: I stand there looking like the consummate facilitator, thoughtful and nonplussed. I allow the silence to settle. After what seems like a century, another board member pipes up, “Of course! Every time we do strategic planning we get clear on our direction, how we will use our resources and how we will achieve our goals. When we get clear, some people decide that’s not the future they want. They decide to move on, while the
people who embrace the vision recommit.”
There is a palpable shift in energy and the rest of the board nods enthusiastically in agreement. They sign the deal.
What lessons can you take away from my experience?
1. Strategic planning, if done well, brings clarity of direction.
2. Silence can be your friend. Allow it.
3. There is wisdom in the room even if it’s not yours.
4. Look cool even if you don’t feel cool.
Conflict Training 101: “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall”
Posted on | July 15, 2009 | No Comments
I had an experience in the realm of conflict training that I am reluctant to write about, but I think it’s worth sharing.
I had been looking for particular kind of vendor. I interviewed several companies and got a few proposals. In the end, I engaged a woman whose skills seemed to fit my needs the best. I looked at the hire as the “next” step, not the final solution to the work I was setting out to do.
Meanwhile, I kept another vendor in the back of my mind. I was intrigued by the man’s tenacity and enthusiasm but had not been as impressed by what I saw as his results. So I decided to take few steps with someone else and watch this other vendor’s progress. I wanted to evaluate over time whether he demonstrated the kind of markers of success I was looking for.
The man I didn’t hire continued to send me e-mails and to call. He generally let me know what he was up to, and made some good sales pitches, mostly by way of touting his successes.
Then one day he sent me an e-mail that I am sure was an attempt to lure me in—but one line in it made me feel insulted. I sensed a bit of truth to his comment, but I quickly shoved that aside and sent a harsh e-mail back to him. We exchanged a short volley of e-mails, until he sent me one that said, “Didn’t you just write a book on communication?”
Whoops! That stopped me dead in my tracks. He was right! I was not doing what I preached.
People ask me all the time how to get over what they are feeling. I have a number of great answers, but here was a situation where I went on automatic. I got hurt and hit back so fast that I didn’t even give myself time to think. Now I was mad at him and myself! So here is what I did and what I would recommend:
1. Shift the focus to yourself. We all want to be found innocent. But the truth is, if we can find our part in any situation, we have the power to change it. We can’t change each other! I don’t think I was the only person in this dance and I believe the vendor had a very distinct part, but all I could do was look at my own contribution and use it as learning. I had reacted without thinking.
2. Look for the grain of truth. I took a few minutes to see what the anger was about. He had hit a chord. What was the truth that I didn’t like? Taking the learning from that helped me move toward a business goal.
3. Clean up messes. We all make mistakes no matter how much we try to do things well. Being responsible means being willing to hang in there and clean up any messes you make. I also believe that as we engage in difficult conversations, we can build better relationships with people. I apologized for my own behavior, and offered to talk about what happened.
4. Give yourself a break. No one is perfect. A frequent reaction in these kinds of situations is to do something “wrong” then beat yourself up about it. That dynamic just creates two problems instead of one. Let go of beating yourself up and just look at the situation. Make it learning. Be curious. Learn from it and move on. It will be a lot less painful that way, and you can appreciate yourself for taking the time to make the situation right and making it a learning experience.
5. Commit to recognizing the pattern in the future. Star watching for your triggers. When they happen, just sit. Give yourself a chance to see what’s really happening before taking any action. I knew in the moment I got the e-mail that there was some truth to his comment. The anger that showed up was a sign. I could have just sat there and not done anything for a while and let it settle. If I had waited, I might have made a better decision. Next time I get mad that fast, I plan to wait 24 hours before I respond.
Discovering a Work-Life Balance
Posted on | July 13, 2009 | No Comments
There are days I feel like a speeding train. I imagine my list of to-do’s as a pile of cafeteria trays. I pull one off and another pops up. I can’t work fast enough, and I feel that I have an unending list. I find myself constantly looking at my computer or my iPhone. My kids and husband have noticed that I am glued to my devices.
This past weekend, I decided not to look at my e-mail. What a shock!
The first thing I noticed was the buzz I usually get when I think about what work I need to do—but this time there was nowhere to focus that energy. The next thing that I noticed was that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I wandered aimlessly around the house. My life for many years has been filled by what my kids wanted to do or by my incessant compulsion to be on the computer and working. But now I was taking a break from work, and my kids, who are now in their late teens and early 20s, have their own lives (how dare they?!), so I couldn’t fill my time with their sporting events or other demands.
That first day was a bit uncomfortable. I imagined that, in some small way, I was feeling what addicts must experience as they go through withdrawal. But as I hung in through the zone of confusion, I found myself asking, “What do I want to do?”
It took a good part of the day before I settled in. Letting myself think about what would make me happy or feel good was unfamiliar but strangely enticing. I wanted a plan! I kept asking my husband what he wanted to do. He kept saying he wasn’t sure. I watched him throughout the long weekend, and realized that he simply stays in the moment and decides as he goes. Interesting, I thought. For all my years training facilitators on being “present,” I was finding myself unable to just be present with the time and space I had created.
I decided to adopt the “figure out as I go” strategy. Amazingly, the weekend began to unfold. I found myself wanting to take a walk, sit outside, go out to dinner, visit with my parents, go to a movie. At one point, I just sat on the grass and watched the world. Calm descended. I found myself talking to my husband and my kids… and really listening. My mind had stopped looking for the next thing to do or what I “should be doing.” It was a wonderful, relaxing weekend.
When I got up Monday morning and went to the computer. I was surprised that nothing earth shattering had happened. The world was just at it was. Nothing that didn’t get done really mattered. It could all get done this week—or not, actually.
People are looking for ways to slow down. There are tons of books, websites and other resources for how we can organize ourselves. But the truth is, many of us have to just turn off the machines. Take a break… and see what it is we are afraid of being with. It may be just the empty space that’s there when we’re not working. But if you let yourself be in that empty space, you may find yourself. I did.
Tags: balancing life and work > marcia feola > present moment > work life balance
Deer in the Headlights: Navigating Difficult Conversations
Posted on | July 8, 2009 | No Comments
This week a woman approached me and said, “I often get in a situation with co-workers in which they say something that leaves me speechless, and I feel like a deer in the headlights. I don’t have a response. What do I do?”
Her experience is a common one. We often get caught off guard and find ourselves at a loss for what to say or do. If that’s YOU, here are some tips to help:
1. Watch for patterns. For the next week, notice the conversations, situations or people that give you the greatest pause. When do you find yourself in situations in which you feel like a “deer in the headlights”? Isolate the ones that you most often find yourself in or that cause you the most distress.
2. Choose one situation to work on. Don’t try to solve every situation. Work on one. Use it as a learning lab. Experiment and see what works, then you can generalize your learning to other situations.
3. Have a plan. Once you have identified the situation for which you want to be prepared, make a plan. Whenever my business partner, Tom, and I are going to facilitate a group conversation, we spend time thinking about worst-case scenarios. We ask our clients and ourselves, “What is the worst thing that can happen? And “What will we do about it?” If you are entering a situation that has created a cause for concern, be sure to ask yourself what you are worrying about and make a plan for how you will handle it. You can brainstorm likely scenarios and think about exactly what you will say or do. You can also role-play with a friend or significant other, or ask their advice. Jus having a plan will reduce your anxiety and allow you to enter the situation more relaxed.
4. Some guidelines for preparing are:
a. Identify a unifying goal and offer that early in the conversation
b. Express your desire to support the other person (not necessarily to do what they want, but to support them in general)
c. Ask for, and be sure to acknowledge, the other person’s perspective or need
d. Be clear about you need or want. That means be specific!
e. Look for solutions that are win-wins
5. Have some words ready. Once you have identified the situation you want to work on and have made a plan, be ready with some words. Spend some time imaging what you will say. If you can’t find language you like, ask someone else. What would they say in this situation? Practice saying what you want to say until it feels right and natural. Remember, too, that sometimes in retrospect you find the words you wish you had had. Jot those down and use them in the future.
6. In the midst of things, give yourself a break. If, despite your planning, you are momentarily stunned, take a break. Just say excuse me and take a minute to collect yourself. Sometimes all you need is short break (and sometimes you need a longer one). If you need a break, ASK for it. Always come prepared to say, “I need a minute.”
How to Have a Difficult Conversation
Posted on | June 30, 2009 | No Comments
As is my habit—and one I will not curtail no matter how hard we are hit by a recession—I went to get my nails done recently. Getting a manicure is often so relaxing I want to sleep. This day, however, was not to be one of those soothing hours. One of the hairdressers, whom I adore, came over in distress. “I need some advice!!” she said. She had been experiencing problems with the yoga studio next store, and had tried to talk to the owner that morning about the problem. As “neighbor” businesses, this seemed like an appropriate gesture. But when she explained her problem, the owner got very defensive and told her quite emphatically that she had no claim and didn’t appreciate being “ambushed.” The hairdresser, feeling attacked herself, then threatened legal action and to call a newspaper. Obviously, the morning encounter had set both their days off badly.
The hairdresser, who is goodhearted and friendly, said, “What shall I do?” I gave her three options:
- Forget it, you lost your money (COPITULATE)
- Get your lawyer to write a letter (FIGHT)
- Go back and try again (ENGAGE)
She said she wanted to try again. But what should she say??
First I asked her how she was feeling. She was fine. She had calmed down. With no real emotions flowing, I went right to the dialogue.
Here’s what I told her to say:
“I am uncomfortable, as I am sure you are, with how our conversation went this morning. I would like to find a solution that works for both of us. I realize you felt ‘ambushed.’ So I would like to see if we could talk again when you feel it’s a good time.”
She thought about it, said the words to herself until the words seemed right to her, and off she whisked.
I had almost left the shop when she came back through the rear door. It was so fast that I thought for sure she had been tossed out on her ear. But NO— I got the thumbs up! Big smile on her face. She yelled, “It went great.” The day shifted for both of them.
The lesson: Take the time to engage in a conversation. It can both solve a problem and build your relationship with someone else. It can also change your day!
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