1. Being honest with myself gives me a more accurate understanding of who I am and how I contribute to my relationships, for better or worse. I then have more ability to choose what behaviors to use in the future.

2. Sharing my own “shortcomings” often gives others permission to be imperfect as well, and not feel bad about it. Sharing our imperfections is a beautiful way to love others and ourselves in a more holistic way. Making our imperfections “bad” or trying to hide them makes it impossible to grow and learn.

3. Sharing how I may have contributed to an issue clears the way for the other people involved to see their own contributions, rather than focusing on what I did.

I had a wonderful experience with this recently. I was facilitating a difficult conversation in which two participants were exhibiting behaviors that were negatively impacting the dialogue and the other participants. I began tightening my facilitation by asking people to stop interrupting and inviting non-speakers into the conversation.

After the meeting, a few participants thanked me for helping keep the conversation on track. One participant, however, was mad! I made an appointment with him to talk further about the meeting.

Using the Reboot method, I opened out conversation with a common goal and asked how he thought things went at the meting. He started slowly but eventually talked about how I had “shut him down.” I quickly acknowledged both his emotional reaction and that I had indeed done the things he had described.

“Yes”, I said,” I can see you are upset and you are correct that I asked you to stop talking and to listen for a while.”

He was visibly surprised and seemed to loose his incentive to continue telling me about my behavior. The air, if you will, came out of the tire. I was then free to ask him about his own behavior.

By skillfully questioning him about what he did and his intentions, he was then able to see and admit that his own behavior had indeed had a negative impact on the rest of the room. Because I had felt free to take ownership of my part, he felt safer and freer to admit his own.

My ability to take ownership created the space for him to look at himself. Had I not owned my part, he might have needed to continue to focus on me rather than himself.

The next time you find yourself in a conflict with someone, ask yourself what you did to contribute—or what the other person might say was your contribution. Examine it closely and take ownership of whatever is true, then be willing to admit it openly. You might be very surprised at the results.

I, of course, would love to hear what you learn from trying this technique. Please share your thoughts or experiences with “owning” your part in a conflict in the comment below.

My parents live in an assisted living facility and I have recently been unhappy with the way the facility handled a few medical incidents. The truth is, I was mad!! Really mad. I requested a meeting with the relevant staff at the facility. One of my brothers, who happens to be a physician, flew in to town to attend the meeting with me.

Following the Reboot! preparation template, my brother and I spent some time getting ready for the meeting. We thought through:

• What had happened (the facts of each incident)
• Questions we had (information we needed)
• The issues we wanted resolved
• What we wanted to see happen as a result of our discussions
• What we each have done that might have contributed to any problems

We began the meeting by sharing our topics and mutual goals. We proceeded to address the easy issues. As we entered the hot topic of how the staff had handled or mishandled some situations, the medical administrator started expounding in a firm, rapid-fire manner. It felt both aggressive and defensive. I sat there watching her behavior and my own reaction. I was frustrated. I wanted to fight back and argue. Mostly I wanted to “win” the argument.

While I pondered that, I let the medical administrator continue talking about all the steps she and her staff had taken in each of the incidents. This not only gave me breathing room, but it let her get her pent-up emotions out. (Allowing the other person in your conversation to let off steam inevitably brings the tension down. It’s like letting air out of a balloon.)

At a point when she took a breath, I simply asked, “So in your professional opinion, as you review these incidents, how well do your staff’s responses measure up to your standards?” She paused. I think she had expected a backlash from me and was taken aback by a respectful question. She then outlined what she would have done differently and what others might have done differently in each of the incidents.

In the end, she assessed her own behavior and that of her staff in a very fair manner. She made MY point. I never had to point anything out, because she knew it all along. The key had been to invite her to discover it herself. That’s because questions invite others to explore an issue for themselves—and self-discovery is the most powerful form of learning.

When facing situations in which I want another person to learn something, I find it helpful to think about what I want to say and then ask myself how to turn my statement into a question. The question needs to be:

1. Open ended: This means a question that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no.” Think of starting your question with “how” or “what,” as these naturally require explanations.
2. Respectful: Make sure you pose the question in a way that invites the person to step up and open up.
3. Curious: Invite the person to explore, not defend.

Try it, the next time you find yourself wanting to tell someone something or to advise. Just ask yourself, how do I turn my statement into a question? It may take some time and definitely some practice, but it will be well worth it. You will find that you reach the same destination with fewer struggles and have built a better relationship with the other person. What more could you ask for?

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts as well as your ideas on turning statements into questions.