There are a number of ways to answer this question. The short answer is yes! In this post I will give you some tips on what to do in a meeting. In another post I will help you create some context for these kinds of dilemmas and guide your thinking.

Here’s a recap of the situation my friend, Alan, encountered. Alan had been in a meeting with a colleague, Amy, who was proposing that one of their working teams could meet a particular goal with fewer resources than had been offered in the past. Alan was on board with the effort but felt that the resources needed to be higher to support the project’s success. He questioned Amy’s decision on resource allocation and cited several recent examples.

Amy eventually said that Alan wasn’t being collegial or collaborative anymore, because he was disagreeing with her. Alan was left wondering how to challenge without alienating someone.

Collaboration typically refers to the process of a group of people working together in the pursuit of a shared goal. The verb “challenging” often refers to an act of questioning or to taking exception to something. These two notions are not mutually exclusive. It’s important to explore issues thoroughly before making decisions; one process is to engage in divergent thinking before you converge or make a decision. Groups need to be able to disagree and have healthy conflict in order to work at their best. In a very real sense, to do good collaborative work together you must be able to exchange ideas, perspectives and differences in healthy ways.

In a meeting when you want to question someone and still be seen as collaborating, it’s helpful to:

1. Make your intentions clear. Before countering or questioning, especially if you feel some resistance, declare your intention. “I am in support of this (whatever it is) and I want to be sure we do this really well. My questioning or thoughts are an attempt to help us do this project really well.”
2. Make sure they see you as aiming for the same goal. Acknowledge where you agree with them or support them first. You want them to perceive you as on their team.
3. Focus on the problem or content and not the person. This is not personal. Keep the dialogue on the task or issue. Imagine it as something on the wall. “Let’s look at this question together.”
4. Ask for permission to ask questions or delve deeper. Getting another person’s verbal permission makes them responsible for engaging the conversation and makes them more open to listening.
5. Be sure you have thoroughly understood their position. Before you challenge or question, be sure they feel you have heard them. You might ask clarifying questions and then restate their position in order to be sure you are both on the same page.
6. Then ask if you might offer a different perspective in order to broaden the thinking and ensure that the project goes well. Using Alan’s example, you might say, “While I support your efforts at being more mindful of resources, I am wondering how this other data or experience might inform our decision?”

If the meeting still does not go well, you have another opportunity. You can go see the person after the meeting and ask them to debrief with you. In private, you might be able to explore the dynamics in a less threatening way. Tell the person that you are concerned about what occurred and ask when it would be a good time to talk. Many people are more comfortable with these kinds of conversations when they are in private and they have had time to reflect. In this conversation, you might ask them how they would like to be approached in the future when you have questions or concerns.

Remember, too, that you can only control how you are behaving. You can only make your intentions clear and offer to modify your approach if that would help. The other person has to take responsibility for how they receive you.

Godin’s distinction was helpful, but here is where I differ: Facts alone are not enough. People’s reactions to the facts influence how they respond. Their opinions will also influence their responses. You simply cannot ignore reactions or opinions.

When I am working with my clients on how to have productive conversations, I often find it important to make explicit what is fact and what is a reaction or opinion. They are both important.

Facts and data give you concrete, maybe verifiable information. People’s reactions to that data are of equal importance. When making decisions, you need both components. Let’s take a simple example:

I am meeting a friend. I am late. That’s a fact. My friend is mad. She has an opinion that my being late is disrespectful. That’s important!! In her feedback she could have said, “You’re late.” Fine and true. But if she says instead, “You’re late and I am upset about that,” then I have important information, which will influence me. If I want to stay her friend, I need to understand her thought processes and reactions. I have to make a decision about being mindful of time when I meet her in the future. I note, too, that this scenario would be different if I were meeting someone who didn’t care about timeliness.

In a work environment, this dynamic plays out all the time. If you deliver facts that people don’t like, don’t believe or don’t trust, they won’t make good decisions. Here’s an example:

A client of mine is looking at her company’s turnover rate. She gathers the facts and analyzes them. She then shares the information with the executive group. The group reviews the data and then reacts. They have opinions about the information. Some say the information is upsetting, some say it is insufficient data, and some find it reassuring. Now, the group has data and a sense of the reactions around the room (which is, in fact, more data).

What are the implications?? This group has to look at the “fact” that there is no consensus about the information. They cannot move forward with a decision until they resolve the differences of opinions. Having a deeper conversation about the group’s reactions led to a better understanding of the situation and the implications for the organization.

My partner, Tom Kornbluh, and I have developed a conversation model that we have found very useful with our clients. The model allows groups to explore both the facts and their reactions to them—but in a very conscious process. Methodically walking people through the steps help them stay on course—because mixing the two topics is very confusing and impedes progress. Using the model, discussions are more thorough and more efficient.

The PowerfulWork Conversation model is as follows:

• Set-up: explain the topic, the desired outcome and any decision-making process
• Data gathering: Provide or collect the needed data
• Individual reactions: Invite people to share their reactions
• Group implications: Discuss the implications of the data and the reactions
• Brainstorm options: What are the possible options or next steps available
• Conclusions: Select the desired conclusion or next step
• Summaries: Summarize the conversation and agreements made

Feel free to go to our website to download our free conversation templates. Give it a try!

“This report describes how a woman’s nation changes everything about how we live and work today. Now for the first time in our nation’s history, women are half of all U.S. workers and mothers are the primary breadwinners or co-breadwinners in nearly two-thirds of American families. This is a dramatic shift from just a generation ago (in 1967 women made up only one-third of all workers). It changes how women spend their days and has a ripple effect that reverberates throughout our nation. It fundamentally changes how we all work and live, not just women but also their families, their co-workers, their bosses, their faith institutions, and their communities.”

This dramatic shift suggests that much has already changed in our world and that many of our institutions, structures and organizations need to address these changes. This report has already spurred much conversation, and will continue to do so.

Oprah Winfrey, in the epilogue of the report, says, “We have the power as women, as families, as a nation to rise to the challenges of our time. To hear each other out. To talk it out. To let the conversation begin. Together, we ought to be able to ‘turn it back, and get it right-side up again!’”

This study is a call for conversation, as Oprah most elegantly states. Conversations need to begin—in our homes, in our schools, in our communities, in our nation and across the globe.

As someone whose work has centered around helping individuals and groups have thoughtful and meaningful conversations, this is a heartening time. It’s a time ripe for meeting the challenges our world faces.

I encourage you to read the report and ask yourself, “What conversation am I called to have?”

The light is for bringing light to the truth (as best as it can be told) and helping my clients face with courage their difficult situations—helping them see the facts at hand. The warmth is the feeling of support they need to conduct their conversations in respectful, non-personal ways.

Here are a few tips to bring light and warmth to clients or colleagues:

1. Keep the conversation focused on facts. Separate out the emotions. That is not to say that people are not allowed to have emotions or express them—but those emotions are “reactions,” not concrete data. Keep the two conversations separate. Naming what is data and what is a reaction or emotion will help a group see the difference.

2. Establish ground rules. Set up agreements about how the conversation will be held to ensure respectful dialogue. Ground rules might include: using non-judgmental language, using “I” statements, focusing on problems not people, and seeking to understand. There are a host of possible ground rules to choose from. You want to craft them to suit the particular group’s dynamics. And once you have set them, uphold them!

3. Support people in speaking. If they need encouragement, invite them in. If they need help saying something, offer to help them shape their words. If they offer a thought or opinion, acknowledge their contribution. Sometimes it helps repeating back to people what you hear them say. This helps them feel heard.

4. Model appropriate behavior. Sometimes a group needs to see someone speak a hard truth but in a way that the message gets heard. Don’t be afraid to model that. A group will not do what you or the formal leaders won’t do!

5. Confront with your words and support with your tone. This is another example of how we can tell our truth, but in a way that makes it easier to hear. If we say the words clearly but with a loving tone of voice, we send a message that we care about the person, which in turn helps the other person hear us.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let me know how you help your colleagues or clients bring light and warmth to difficult situations.

My last blog note, was which about the importance of setting goals at the beginning of a conversation, was fresh in my mind. So at the risk of seeming rude, I stopped my colleague and said,” Before you go any further, can you tell me what you want from me? Do you have a specific question you want me to answer?”

She stopped dead in her tracks. I had clearly caught her off guard. She looked stunned, but she sat and thought for a while. Then she said, “Yes, I want you tell me if I can coach the executive and his team at the same time.” She added, “Asking me what I wanted was really helpful. I can focus my ‘story’ now on what you need to know.”

I was so relieved! I did not need to take in every detail. I could look at the issues through a particular lens. I could choose the salient and relevant points to consider. Having a “goal” gave both of us a way to focus our attention. My colleague was able to describe the important facts more succinctly and I could listen for what information I needed in order to give an opinion.

The simple technique of asking, upfront, “What is the goal?” both streamlined the conversation and allowed us to get to the desired endpoint quicker.

This story is just an example of the many ways that we engage in dialogue without knowing why we are talking!! As the talker or the listener we have a responsibility to get clear on the expected outcome. If the presenter doesn’t offer the goal, you as the listener can ask for it.

Try it and see what happens. I’d love to hear your experiences with trying this technique out.

First, accept the notion that positive information is important. It helps us understand what we do well. It gives us data about where we are being successful. It motivates us and gives us a sense of success and positive impact. Without positive information we don’t know what we are doing that works, and we deprive ourselves of a sense of accomplishment.

Here’s a recent example:

I was in the middle of an executive coaching session when I said, “Wow, you’ve made a lot of progress.” My client responded that my compliment “sounds so disingenuous.” When I inquired further, she explained that when people give her positive feedback she discounts it. As we talked more she revealed that, because she wants to be further along in her career, she feels that the progress she has made doesn’t count.

I asked my client to imagine that she was holding in one hand the progress she has made, and in the other hand the progress she wants to make. I asked her how she felt. She said that she felt balanced and encouraging. She felt motivated to do more. And she realized that in discounting her accomplishments and only focusing on the need for more work, she was discouraging herself.

In addition, one statement alone is not the full truth. She had indeed made progress but she wanted more! Both statements were true, and noticing the positive was a motivating factor.

So the next time someone offers you a compliment, take it in. Make sure you ask for the specifics. A general statement such as “good job!” is not enough information. Ask what was good about the work you did. Ask for the concrete, specific details. This helps you know precisely what you did that was perceived as helpful. Do not discount the information or comment. Pay attention to the feeling you have when you allow yourself to take in the positive comments and details.

If you can do nothing else, simply say “Thank you.” Watch your reaction even to that. Are you uncomfortable? Do you have a desire to ignore it or brush it off? Resist the urge. Ask yourself what is true about the statement made to you. Let yourself feel the positive impact of receiving a compliment. Take a moment to savor the moment and see what happens.

As always, I encourage you to share your experiences with accepting compliments or positive feedback. Powerful stories are helpful to all our readers! I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

One related story happened to me many years ago. I was facilitating a divided and pained management team. One person on the team was an incessant talker and naysayer. No one wanted to listen to her. She would often be ranting and out of line. Her comments were often negative about people on the team and the team itself. One day, as I was watching her alienate everyone once again, I wondered why she kept taking when she knew everyone was shut down. I tried to look behind her behavior and see what was motivating her. I realized she didn’t feel heard. Hard to believe? Yes—but it was true.

After the meeting I went to the company’s CEO and advised her that, in the next meeting, she was to acknowledge this woman’s comments by paraphrasing what she said back to her. The CEO did exactly that, and it worked. The woman was momentarily stunned. She didn’t keep talking. She simply said, yes, that was my point.

Over time, by using this technique, the group was able to start listening to her. She spoke more concisely once she felt heard. In this case, the woman was trying to bring some uncomfortable situations to the team’s attention. They had been unable to “hear” her because of her approach. Once they understood that her intention was positive and once she could deliver her messages in fewer words, the team was able to take in the information and look at the situation with an eye toward resolution. The end result? A great learning for everyone.

In this example, listening to the speaker and reflecting back what she was saying helped her feel “heard”—and helped the team accept and act on her feedback. The more relaxed everyone became, the easier it was for them to communicate—and for everyone to understand that they shared good intentions.

Give this a try—and as always, let me know how it goes!

Most people have positive intentions. They are not seeking to be harmful or hurtful. In fact, in a recent poll I did on a small group, I found that 39% of the people did not confront a difficult situation because they feared it would escalate or “blow up.” Another 34% were not sure they had the right words to provide difficult feedback. People are generally fearful about entering difficult conversations, and as a result, they are often uneasy and awkward. As a receiver of feedback, you can make the conversation much easier on yourself and on the person who is trying to communicate with you if you assume good intentions.

In my many years of conducting conflict mediation and group facilitation, I have never met anyone who had a malicious intent. Some people’s behavior may have looked difficult or inappropriate, but if I probed their intentions they all wanted to improve the situation or have better working conditions.

There is a saying, “We want to be judged on our intentions, but we judge others on their behavior.” That’s a great saying to keep in mind. How do you find someone’s intention? You can ask! When someone asks to speak to you, ask “what about?” Next, ask a simple question: What is your hope today? Then start listening. Reflect back what you hear and see how the person reacts.

It’s also important to notice any emotion the other person is carrying. Are they upset, angry, nervous? The emotion can be a clue as to what is happening for the other person. You can put them at ease by saying, “I see this is upsetting for you or hard for you.” Another approach you can try is to say, “Thank you for coming in to see me. I know it took courage to have this conversation.”

You may also give yourself the right to acknowledge your own state. If you are nervous, it’s alright to say that. Putting your own feelings on the table helps the other person understand the impact they are having on you in the moment. You, too, will notice that when you say it, the feelings will start to dissipate. The more relaxed you and the other person become the easier it will be for them to communicate—and for you to understand that their intent is to be helpful. You want to be able to hear the message and discuss it in an open, exploratory way.

As always, try it. You may like it. Even if you don’t, at least you’ll learn something. And please let me know how it goes.

It’s important to remember that feedback is often a reflection of the giver. This is not to say that it has nothing to do with you; it simply means that the other person is noticing something about you that reflects what they care about. Though you are responsible for your behavior, the person’s emotional response is his or her own. A simple example:

You are late for an appointment with three friends. One friend is angry, one mildly annoyed, and one doesn’t care. Your behavior impacted each of them differently. If you want to maintain relationships with all three, you need to notice that the impact of your behavior was different for each of them and attend to any of their feedback as such. The friend who is angry needs to take responsibility for why they feel anger, but you need to take responsibility to your lateness and understand that in the future you need to be more conscious of the time when interacting with this friend — if that is a request of theirs.

This is true in a work situation as well. If you have a boss, co-worker or an employee who wants to offer some feedback to you, it’s important for you to maintain that same distinction. A person’s emotional response is his or her own choice; your responsibility is to note that emotion. Something you did triggered it. If you want to work well with this person you need to acknowledge the impact you had on them and then focus on what you can or cannot do to modify your behavior in the future.

A client of mine years ago was very upset at a retreat I had been hired to facilitate. The meeting had started late and materials were missing. I could see how mad she was and knew she had feedback for me. I continued to facilitate the meeting, which ended on a very solid note. I knew my client was still upset so I made an appointment with her following the retreat. I went in with some trepidation and asked her what she thought about the retreat. She expressed frustration and anger about the kick off. I acknowledged her anger and asked her what specifically she was upset by. She gave me a litany of errors she had perceived.

After she expressed her emotions and she seemed to calm down, I walked her through the actual events surrounding each of the grievances. I was willing to see how I had contributed. Who had the materials? Who had supervised the creation of the materials and supply list, who had been responsible for people’s attendance etc? What had I done? Quickly, she began to see that her own deputy had been the one responsible for what she had perceived as errors. She started to get upset as she realized that she often has expectations that are not met. As we talked more, she started to see her own contribution to the situation and that her failure to give clear direction or oversight often left her disappointed. I asked her then what I might have done to contribute to that dynamic in this situation and what I could do in the future. At that point, she said that I might have helped her oversee the situation better and she wanted me to coach her in how to be a more effective manager. This incident taught me a lot of lessons:

1. Not to avoid the hard conversations.
2. Allow someone to fully express his or her emotions and reflect it back.
3. Ask about and listen for concrete details.
4. Ask for the specific behaviors you may have demonstrated.
5. Be willing to hear your own contribution and acknowledge them
6. Offer to make amends or modify future behavior
7. Acknowledge the other person for being willing to talk with you

Had I left the retreat and not sought out feedback, I would never have had an opportunity to repair the relationship, help my client grow and learn, and I would have been deprived of my own learning.

When someone offers you feedback or wants to have a difficult conversation with you its an opportunity to help them sort through a situation, learn about themselves and for you to gain new insights. Most importantly you gain an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with them.

• Summarizing: Recapping the conversation. “This is where I think you are…”
• Normalizing: Describing the situation as a normal part of the process. “This is exactly where you should be…, all groups go through this…”
• Gatekeeping: Maintaining a balanced conversation. Helping reluctant participants to get heard and reducing the airtime of “over-talkers.” “We haven’t heard from a few people in the room yet—I’d like to ask them if they have something to add.”
• Acknowledging: Recognizing a contribution or effort. “Thank you for offering that comment”, or “I understand how hard that must have been for you.”
• Giving context and locating the conversation: Stating the overall goal and how a conversation fits into the bigger picture. “Remember that we are discussing X; this conversation is connected in this way…”
• Paraphrasing and connecting: Repeating back what was said in your own words and helping the participants link what they are saying to the conversation at hand. “Is this what you mean? How does that relate to this conversation—or is it another topic?”
• Questioning: Actively exploring or asking questions to assist the group or an individual in contributing effectively. “Can anyone summarize where we are? Is this conversation important?”
• Interrupting and reiterating ground rules: Interceding to ask someone to abide by the agreed-upon rules of conduct. “Excuse me; I believe we agreed to one topic at a time” or XYZ…
• Naming the topic, the behavior: Simply stating what you are seeing or hearing. “Here is what I see happening…”
• Theming / taking a meta-view: Summarizing a series of related comments and finding a common theme, then tying the theme to the overall conversation. “Here is how what we are talking about relates to a bigger issue…”
• Locating lost threads: Noticing what topics or comments have been lost or ignored. “A minute ago you were discussing XYZ; are you done with that conversation?”