Many years ago my PowerfulWork partner, Tom Kornbluh, and I developed a conversation model to help groups move through conversations in a smooth sequence. One of our clients found the process so helpful that she posted the model in all of her company’s conference rooms as a visual aid.

Each conversation thread within a meeting will eventually follow the natural pattern of human critical thinking. Designing sessions to align with and reinforce this natural pattern leads to an accelerated work process and less unnecessary conflict. Here is the model and a simple explanation:

POWERFULWORK CONVERSATION MODEL

Set-up:
• The purpose of the thread/conversation is identified and confirmed with the group.
• Timeline, process steps and roles are identified.
• E.g. “The topic up for discussion is ‘the selection of a new recorder.’”

Data/Information Gathering:
• All facts and information relevant to the thread are shared with the entire group.
• Presentations from outside experts and internal reports may be offered.
• Individuals may present additional data of personal import—as long as it is related to the thread.
• The group has an opportunity to ask questions and discuss the quality and accuracy of the data.
• E.g., “What do we know about the candidates?”

Individual Reactions:
• Individual responses to the data and the facts of the situation are surfaced.
• The floor is open to feelings, thoughts and opinions.
• Individuals are encouraged to speak for themselves.
• E.g., “What do you each think and feel about the information we just heard?”

Group Implications/Options:
• There is a group-level discussion of the significance and meaning of the data and reactions for the group/organization.
• E.g., “What significance or meaning does all this have for our organization?”
• After discussing the implications, the group may want to brainstorm some options for action.

Conclusions:
• The group makes decisions.
• Next actions are established.
• E.g., “Can we agree on the best candidate for the job?” “Who will notify all the candidates of our decision by tomorrow?”

Recap:
• Thread and outcome are summarized.
• Incomplete and connected relevant issues are identified and scheduled for future conversations, if necessary.
• E.g., “After exploring all the relevant information and implications for our organization we have chosen Jane Doe as our recorder and we have identified clear next steps. Are there any other conversations about this topic that we need to have before we leave today?”

Over time we have found that there are two common group tendencies that can derail these vital steps and prevent a conversation from being productive. First, groups want to move immediately to conclusions. They have little patience for really vetting the issues. Organizations are about results and they want to get to the solution. It’s a natural tendency. However, slowing a group down and forcing them to follow this process will ensure a more thoughtful dialogue and result in a better solution. You can’t solve a problem if you don’t know what it is and haven’t explored causes or implications.

The second common mistake groups make is failing to separate the facts and data from individuals’ opinions and reactions. Helping a group see the difference between these two categories is an enormous gift to them. This is not to say that opinions are not important—they are—but opinions are a different set of information. Groups need to know the difference between hard data and people’s opinions.

As a meeting facilitator, the more you can help a group stay focused on where they are in the process, the more smoothly the conversation will run. We have found that just noting when the group has moved from one step to the next makes participants more comfortable, because they know where they are in the conversation.

Finally, if you plan to use the PowerfulWork Conversation model, it’s important to show it to the group before you use it. Keep it visible and use it as a reference tool as you track the conversation.

Though we have learned about these concepts and may cognitively be very aware of them and their importance, however, the practice of these concepts is not typically imbedded in our schooling. The ability to bring ourselves totally present and be an instrument of change is an ongoing journey and one that requires commitment and regular practice. Often we find alternative routes to discover ourselves and the practice of mindfulness, such as meditation, yoga, spiritual paths, therapy or even religious practices.

As someone who consults and coaches in organizations I am struck by two seemingly incongruent dynamics within organizations. One is the lack of “mindfulness”—meaning the ability to be fully awake to the present moment. Most of us, if we look closely, will find our minds in the past or in the future, not focused on the here and now. We also more often than not are operating on unconscious emotional reactions. To be mindful, in my definition, is to be fully present to this moment and aware of what is arising without being attached or hooked by it.

The other dynamic I see in organizations is the longing for meaning, appreciation and a sense of community. People are starved for mindfulness, for balanced lives, for making a difference—and yet our organizations foster fast paces, information overload, stress, long hours and suffering.

After spending a hard but glorious week with Jon Kabat-Zinn and Saki Santorelli as a participant in their “Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction for Health Care Professionals” training, I am committed to bringing the practice of mindfulness to my work and to my clients in a more direct way. I want to dedicate portions of my blog to support my own journey and to share that experience in hopes that it may support others on their journeys.

To start, I’d like to share my learning from the program that I found most impactful:

1. Defining “presence” or mindfulness as being awake or focused on this moment. It’s not something to achieve in the future, it’s not a journey to be an enlightened soul or any other spiritual aspiration. It’s simply attending to this moment. And it’s available to you now. Now is all you really have anyway.
2. Allowing whatever is arising to simply be. Emotions and thoughts will arise; it’s the nature of the human being. There’s no right or wrong about it, it simply is. Allow them to be without judgment.
3. Noticing that we cling to or resist emotions and thoughts. We tend to want to keep emotions or experiences we see as positive and to get rid of the ones that we don’t want. Holding on or trying to change is what causes our suffering. The reactions to what’s arising are the source of pain. If you can just observe and be—without judgment about what is arising within you—you will find that more ease, more clarity and more choice is available to you.
4. Invoking curiosity and kindness toward yourself. Be an observer to yourself and your habits of mind and body.
5. Creating a regular practice of mindfulness and being fully committed to it; doing so will build and strengthen new muscles. Welcome the time and give it to yourself as a gift. Make friends with the practice.

Since returning from my week with Jon and Saki (as well as a wonderful group of fellow participants) I have made mindfulness practice the “bones” of my day. I have shifted the way I schedule my time. I put on my calendar the “practices” I want to commit to before I put anything else.

We all have work requirements that are non-negotiable, so you may want to put those in as well. I have coaching appointments and teaching and facilitation commitments already made. Many are not movable for a variety of reasons, or I choose not to move them.

I put on each day 30 minutes in the morning to sit quietly and just be with myself. Some people name that practice “meditating.” You can call it anything you like. I do that once in the morning and once at night. I also added in physical exercise. I like to do yoga at least twice each week and aerobic and strength training three times. I put them on my calendar. Everything else now has to fit around those events.

I also make a point during my day to stop and check in with myself. What do I notice, how am I feeling, what am I doing, thinking?? Observing with curiosity has brought new information, clarity, and spaciousness to my day. I can now very quickly recognize when I am no longer in the room (mentally or emotionally) and can readily bring myself back. This facility promotes my ability to be with my clients and myself fully.

Though I am not sure if any of my work or general life responsibilities have declined, I feel my pace has slowed and my anxiety has significantly decreased while enjoyment and ease have grown.

For those of you reading this who would like to join in the dialogue, you are most welcome.

I would love to hear your thoughts, learnings and questions.

We all share that fear, and it often drives us to over-facilitate or too feel overly responsible. In meetings, we are busy making ourselves look useful or helpful, or showing that we know something. But those behaviors are about us and not about the group’s needs. Our job as facilitators is to serve our clients’ needs.

If this dynamic sounds familiar to you, try the following exercise:

1. Define competence. What is competent?? List what you man by that. Don’t just list a few, try to list them all. Keep writing until you start to feel it’s silly. If you dig deep enough you find you have some funny beliefs driving you, and those need to be examined.
2. What’s driving you? When you look at the list, what sticks out? What is motivating your actions?? The need to be the expert? Fear of making a mistake? Of getting fired??
Examine your own motivation. Then move to step 3.
3. Decide what is in the best interest of the group. Ask yourself, how does my doing these things help the group build its own self-responsibility or capacity to resolve its own issues? What are a good facilitator’s goals? How am I supporting the group’s goals? Align your behavior with the outcomes you want for the group.
4. Make it manageable. Is it possible to achieve all those standards?? If you had to throw three quarters of the list out, what would you save?

As always, I’d love to hear your reactions or any tips you have for facilitators to help them and their groups be more successful.

Last night I was attending a meeting but not running it. It ran amuck! People were talking over each other and around each other. There was very little semblance of order. The group had to make a decision, but time was running out. Being a trained facilitator, I was trying hard to stay in observer mode and see if I could summarize the conversation and help the group see where it was. I could not do it. But here’s what I did do:

I stopped the conversation and all the disparate voices. I simply noted the time, reminded everyone of our collective goal, and asked if we might take a minute and go around the room to get everyone’s perspective on where they stood on the issue at hand. I called it a straw poll. They agreed and proceeded. It took some diligence on my part to keep the group quiet while each person talked, but we finally got everyone’s voice heard. Then the group was able to see where each person stood on the issue and what open questions still needed to be answered. The group was then able to reach a conclusion fairly quickly.

A list of lessons often attributed in an e-mail chain letter to the Dalai Lama (but actually lifted from Life’s Little Instruction Book) includes this gem: “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.” So what’s the lesson here? A few:

1. You don’t always have to know everything. Ask others.
2. When conversations get messy, most people know it—and would welcome some help.
3. Be brave enough to point out what’s happening. It can be a relief to others!
4. When the process isn’t working, stop it.

The technique I used is a pretty simple one: Just suggest that the group take time out and get each person’s perspective. Or, if it’s a voting situation, take a preliminary poll. During this time there can be no debate. This is a just a chance to get a sense of where each person stands on a particular subject. When everyone’s done, then you can ask for a summation and thoughts for next steps. It’s easy and fairly quick, and it allows everyone to get a fuller picture of where things stand.

As always I would be interested in your feedback or experiences. As that “Dalai Lama” e-mail also advised, “Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.”

We have all had first impressions. Where do they come from?? We just see someone and we get sense of them. Some people feel intense, some warm and friendly, some aloof, some guarded and so on. The immediate impression you make is important to know. This energy is foundational. It’s what people sense or pick up almost immediately. How you use that quality can directly impact your work with others. If you ignore it, you may well be impacting in ways you are unaware of. If you use the quality with care it can support you in being successful.

If you come off as soft, you have more latitude with the words you choose. A client of mine who is a high-ranking executive in the government asked me to help her have a more authoritative presence. In her case, she had a very warm and soft presence. We were not going to change that; we were going to use it. We worked on strengthening her words. Given her natural warmth, she could use much stronger language than someone who has a commanding or intimidating presence. People with a strong, imposing presence have to soften their language to counter their natural energy. Being aware of your natural energy can help you adjust both you tone ad words to create in a conscious way the impact you want to have.

Take some time and think about how you strike people in a first impression. How would others describe you? Ask a few friends, “What was your first impression of me?” Another very telling exercise is to get with friend or trusted colleague and ask them to finish this sentence “ In your presence, I feel…” Their answers you get will be clues about how you strike people before you even talk!

Use the rule of “confront with your words and support with your tone.” If you bear in mind what energetics you bring and adjust this formula accordingly you will, in all likelihood, be able to manage your impact with more precision.

Try it. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

One technique is to create a visual representation of the group on a piece of paper and keep it by you. Here’s how to create the picture and how to use it:

1. Imagine people at a table. Take a piece of paper and draw a circle on it.
2. Place the name of each person who is on the call around the circle.
3. Be sure everyone checks in at the beginning of the call to get them present and known to everyone else in the meeting
4. As people talk, put a check mark next to their name
5. As the conversation progresses be sure to check who has spoken and who has not. Be sure to include people in the conversation who have not yet spoken or are joining in less than others.
6. Stop halfway through the meeting and check to see how the participants are doing. Ask if there is anything, in regard to being on the phone, they need before proceeding
7. At the end, do a quick check out with everyone to see how the meeting went and be sure to ask for any further suggestions to improve future calls.

Creating a picture of the group and noting their names will help you both visualize and remember who is on the call. Over time, you will find that your meetings feel more inclusive. If you ask for suggestions for improvement and follow them, you will undoubtedly find even more ways to make these virtual meetings efficient and productive.

I was traveling with a group of young people — a diverse group in terms of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, political ideologies and all passionate activists. We were in a remote setting away from the noise, rhetoric and often impersonal world of Washington, DC to condcut a three-day meeting. A few of the group members were a bit spooked by being in such a desolate area. We met two young men who are responsible for the property where we stayed. The two young men appeared, on the surface, quite different from us and they looked at us with curiosity. The situation was ripe with the possibility of negative judgments.

On the second evening of our stay, the men came to take us on a boat ride. Hesitantly and carefully, they asked questions about who we were and what we did for a living. As the evening unfolded and the openness of my traveling companions became more apparent, the conversations deepened. I watched as one young man spoke so honestly of how different he felt from “us.” He tentatively named “who he was” by describing his affinities. I am white, I am a Christian, I am a Republican and so on. One of the women in the goup engaged with him very intently. She stayed present to him, just took in what he said, offered no judgments. In answer to each label he mentioned, which might have created a wall, she said, “Some of us call ourselves that” and left it. She didn’t defend, argue, advise or try to enlighten. She just answered looking directly at him with her heart open and spoke truthfully. He shared some deeply personal stories. As the evening ended, he thanked us. I watched in total awe as he reached out to hug the woman he had been talking to and asked to stay in touch. They exchanged cards. As he left, the woman said, “Wow, I love him.” As we all stood in admiration of how she had effortlessly opened her heart to someone so different from herself and who she could easily have judged negatively or rejected. Instead she chose to be in conversation, which led to hearts opening and greater understanding. It was a lesson to us all.

Where do you close off? Who and what are you unwilling to be with? How does your own closed stance separate you from others? How do those walls serve?

Try seeing beyond the labels and rhetoric to the heart. Just listen and open and see what walls can crumble. How much better would we be as humans if we could bring the walls of false separation down?

• Summarizing: Recapping the conversation. “This is where I think you are…”
• Normalizing: Describing the situation as a normal part of the process. “This is exactly where you should be…, all groups go through this…”
• Gatekeeping: Maintaining a balanced conversation. Helping reluctant participants to get heard and reducing the airtime of “over-talkers.” “We haven’t heard from a few people in the room yet—I’d like to ask them if they have something to add.”
• Acknowledging: Recognizing a contribution or effort. “Thank you for offering that comment”, or “I understand how hard that must have been for you.”
• Giving context and locating the conversation: Stating the overall goal and how a conversation fits into the bigger picture. “Remember that we are discussing X; this conversation is connected in this way…”
• Paraphrasing and connecting: Repeating back what was said in your own words and helping the participants link what they are saying to the conversation at hand. “Is this what you mean? How does that relate to this conversation—or is it another topic?”
• Questioning: Actively exploring or asking questions to assist the group or an individual in contributing effectively. “Can anyone summarize where we are? Is this conversation important?”
• Interrupting and reiterating ground rules: Interceding to ask someone to abide by the agreed-upon rules of conduct. “Excuse me; I believe we agreed to one topic at a time” or XYZ…
• Naming the topic, the behavior: Simply stating what you are seeing or hearing. “Here is what I see happening…”
• Theming / taking a meta-view: Summarizing a series of related comments and finding a common theme, then tying the theme to the overall conversation. “Here is how what we are talking about relates to a bigger issue…”
• Locating lost threads: Noticing what topics or comments have been lost or ignored. “A minute ago you were discussing XYZ; are you done with that conversation?”

A week went by and I called him. With some surprise in his voice he told me that he had seen number of things that he had not seen before. He talked about how well this person handled a meeting, how she created a working paper that was very thorough. He also had seen her ask some really good questions, and so much more. Overall, he was surprised by what he had observed and now was reluctant to fire her. He admitted to becoming so focused on the negative that he had become blind to her strengths and contributions. His decision ultimately was to continue observing her over a longer period of time to ensure a balanced viewpoint.

This dynamic happens to us all. There is a saying, “We are what we see.” We create our lives through what we choose to see. It’s easy to go out every day and “see” rudeness or other negative behaviors, especially if that’s what we are looking for. That’s one of the ways we create our world view – that things are really bad in our society. But what if we decided to look for the good in the world – kind gestures, heroic acts, simple but polite kindnesses – would we begin to see good in our world? Would we change our world view? And if we change our world view, I believe we would be happier, which in turn, if my guess is correct, would make us more inclined to act accordingly.

Try it for a week and see what happens. Commit to looking for all the kind gestures or for all the good news. See what happens and notice the effect on you. I’d love to hear what you learn.

Why is this useful? More often than not, groups jump around from topic to topic and never resolve anything. They will start on a subject and very quickly start taking “journeys” away from the main topic. One idea sparks another. If unchecked this dynamic can quickly keep the group from every reaching a conclusion. I am sure you have seen this in your meetings. Its one of the major reasons meetings feel unproductive.

All conversations are comprised of threads, which in turn include two important elements:

1. The topic: The subject of discussion
2. The journey: The process of talking about a topic in a sequential way

An example of a thread would be a discussion by a group about who might be selected to run a particular project. The “who might be selected” is the topic. The conversation’s “journey” might entail: outlining the conversation needed, describing the job requirements, developing criteria for selection, brainstorming names, airing reactions to the brainstorm, discussing the pros and cons of a candidate, taking a final vote, and making a plan for how the decision will be carried out. The conversation had a “thread” which included a topic and a journey.

Meetings generally have an overarching thread of their own—the “big” conversation that the meeting is designed to complete. This might be the achievement of a strategic plan or a final decision on a designated topic or any other goal the client has identified. Within that meeting thread there may be multiple sub-conversations or threads that need to be completed in order to achieve the larger goal. The meeting manager or facilitator’s job is to know the desired outcome and to help the group move through the necessary conversations to achieve that outcome.

The facilitator’s ability to track the conversation gives the group a sense of security. The group, through the facilitator, knows where it is at all times. In essence, the facilitator is providing a structure or map for the group to follow. A powerful facilitator knows what conversations are happening at any given moment and where the group is in the conversation—and can help them stay on track.

Sometimes it’s helpful to enlist others in the group to help with facilitation. In some meetings, I ask group members to speak up when they think the conversation has strayed off course. The more aware a group is of the “thread,” the more proficient they will become at managing their own conversations. The more proficient a group becomes, the more productive your meetings will be—and the fewer outside facilitators you will need!