I see many conflicts created when people frame a problem as a matter of irreconcilable opposites. These same people, assisted by skillful exploration, are able to shift their perspectives to see the differences merely as tensions to be managed. Shifting our perspectives from opposites to complements is a powerful way to resolve differences and unite for common good.

Here’s an example. I was recently called into a situation in which a group of lawyers were claiming that they were being overly and unduly managed. They wanted freedom and autonomy, claiming that their professional reputations were at stake. They did not want their superiors to have the ability to overrule their decisions. The supervisors saw these lawyers as renegades who were not sensitive to how the decisions they were making affected the organization as a whole. They wanted final review rights on all work.

These two groups had created a strong “us-them” culture with autonomy and accountability seen as irreconcilable differences. When we examined the two perspectives, however, they were able to reframe the dilemma as a tension between independence and interdependence. They realized that each side had the same objectives. The supervisors realized that they had to give the lawyers some freedom and autonomy but also build in accountability mechanisms to ensure the organization’s ultimate success.

Once the two groups saw the problem as a tension to be managed and not a set of opposites with no bridge, they were able to move into finding mechanisms that would satisfy each group.

Another wonderful example is a mediation I did in a racially charged situation. When I administered the Myers-Briggs indicator, the parties at first saw they were “opposites” on most of the scales. Then I shifted them to look at the differences as a continuum of strengths. Each aspect had its benefits, and using both temperaments made them stronger. Once they embraced the notion that this was not an either-or choice but a “we can have both,” they were able to begin respecting the others’ attributes and use them not as wedges, but as supports.

The next time you find yourself looking at a situation and seeing it as a collision of opposites, look for:

1. The underlying unifying goal. What does each party want??
2. Play out the opposites until you see the other side of it. For example: too much autonomy leads to…, too little autonomy leads to…; too much control leads to…, too little control leads to…. The extreme of the poles is usually what is scaring one of the parties.
3. Play out the upside of each pole. What is the benefit of each pole?
4. Then ask “how do we get the benefits and manage the downsides?” This is the shift to seeing the opposites as a tension to be managed, not a choice between one or the other.
5. Finally, ask “what do we need to do to get the best of both?”

I had been looking for particular kind of vendor. I interviewed several companies and got a few proposals. In the end, I engaged a woman whose skills seemed to fit my needs the best. I looked at the hire as the “next” step, not the final solution to the work I was setting out to do.

Meanwhile, I kept another vendor in the back of my mind. I was intrigued by the man’s tenacity and enthusiasm but had not been as impressed by what I saw as his results. So I decided to take few steps with someone else and watch this other vendor’s progress. I wanted to evaluate over time whether he demonstrated the kind of markers of success I was looking for.

The man I didn’t hire continued to send me e-mails and to call. He generally let me know what he was up to, and made some good sales pitches, mostly by way of touting his successes.

Then one day he sent me an e-mail that I am sure was an attempt to lure me in—but one line in it made me feel insulted. I sensed a bit of truth to his comment, but I quickly shoved that aside and sent a harsh e-mail back to him. We exchanged a short volley of e-mails, until he sent me one that said, “Didn’t you just write a book on communication?”

Whoops! That stopped me dead in my tracks. He was right! I was not doing what I preached.

People ask me all the time how to get over what they are feeling. I have a number of great answers, but here was a situation where I went on automatic. I got hurt and hit back so fast that I didn’t even give myself time to think. Now I was mad at him and myself! So here is what I did and what I would recommend:

1. Shift the focus to yourself. We all want to be found innocent. But the truth is, if we can find our part in any situation, we have the power to change it. We can’t change each other! I don’t think I was the only person in this dance and I believe the vendor had a very distinct part, but all I could do was look at my own contribution and use it as learning. I had reacted without thinking.

2. Look for the grain of truth. I took a few minutes to see what the anger was about. He had hit a chord. What was the truth that I didn’t like? Taking the learning from that helped me move toward a business goal.

3. Clean up messes. We all make mistakes no matter how much we try to do things well. Being responsible means being willing to hang in there and clean up any messes you make. I also believe that as we engage in difficult conversations, we can build better relationships with people. I apologized for my own behavior, and offered to talk about what happened.

4. Give yourself a break. No one is perfect. A frequent reaction in these kinds of situations is to do something “wrong” then beat yourself up about it. That dynamic just creates two problems instead of one. Let go of beating yourself up and just look at the situation. Make it learning. Be curious. Learn from it and move on. It will be a lot less painful that way, and you can appreciate yourself for taking the time to make the situation right and making it a learning experience.

5. Commit to recognizing the pattern in the future. Star watching for your triggers. When they happen, just sit. Give yourself a chance to see what’s really happening before taking any action. I knew in the moment I got the e-mail that there was some truth to his comment. The anger that showed up was a sign. I could have just sat there and not done anything for a while and let it settle. If I had waited, I might have made a better decision. Next time I get mad that fast, I plan to wait 24 hours before I respond.

The hairdresser, who is goodhearted and friendly, said, “What shall I do?” I gave her three options:

1. Forget it, you lost your money (COPITULATE)
2. Get your lawyer to write a letter (FIGHT)
3. Go back and try again (ENGAGE)

She said she wanted to try again. But what should she say??

First I asked her how she was feeling. She was fine. She had calmed down. With no real emotions flowing, I went right to the dialogue.

Here’s what I told her to say:

“I am uncomfortable, as I am sure you are, with how our conversation went this morning. I would like to find a solution that works for both of us. I realize you felt ‘ambushed.’ So I would like to see if we could talk again when you feel it’s a good time.”

She thought about it, said the words to herself until the words seemed right to her, and off she whisked.

I had almost left the shop when she came back through the rear door. It was so fast that I thought for sure she had been tossed out on her ear. But NO— I got the thumbs up! Big smile on her face. She yelled, “It went great.” The day shifted for both of them.

The lesson: Take the time to engage in a conversation. It can both solve a problem and build your relationship with someone else. It can also change your day!