If you are a boss and you’re wondering why your staff doesn’t step up to difficult conversations or tell you “the truth,” you might want o consider what you are doing to contribute to this situation. Consider how well you do the following:

1. Invite and welcome different opinions: Do you ask people for their opinions? Do you incorporate their thoughts into your own thinking? How visible is your acceptance of their opinions? Asking for different opinions invites others to speak, but what they will really remember is how you reacted to the information. If you regularly ask for and react well to input, people will keep giving it to you.
2. Put the truth on the table: Do you name the elephants in the room? Are you able to dialogue about the tough issues? If you openly acknowledge difficult subjects and encourage dialogue people will see you as someone who can handle the truth.
3. Distinguish “gripes” from legitimate concerns: Many managers get tired of people complaining and start sending out massages to their staffs not to come to them with complaints or problems. A good manager can help employees distinguish what is important and how to communicate that information.
4. Make problem solving visible: How do you let people know that you have attended to their concerns? How clear are you with what you can resolve and what you can’t resolve? Sometimes people need to know that you heard them but that the problem can’t be solved by you or at this time. If you can address a problem or issue, let people know it can be addressed, and how and when you will deal with it. If you can’t solve the problem, tell them why it can’t be addressed. Some information is better than no information. Great managers make problem-solving efforts visible and use them as good teaching opportunities.
5. Teach people how to approach you: Have you ever talked to your staff about how to approach you? Is there a good time to get you? Do you like things in writing first? Do you have an open-door policy? Do you prefer appointments? Don’t expect your employees to figure you out. Help them. A great manager is a good teacher. Let people know the best way to convey tough news to you.

It’s not always about how a message is delivered but about how it is received. The more you, as a manager, practice modeling being a good “receiver” of news, the more likely people will share information with you

Last night I was attending a meeting but not running it. It ran amuck! People were talking over each other and around each other. There was very little semblance of order. The group had to make a decision, but time was running out. Being a trained facilitator, I was trying hard to stay in observer mode and see if I could summarize the conversation and help the group see where it was. I could not do it. But here’s what I did do:

I stopped the conversation and all the disparate voices. I simply noted the time, reminded everyone of our collective goal, and asked if we might take a minute and go around the room to get everyone’s perspective on where they stood on the issue at hand. I called it a straw poll. They agreed and proceeded. It took some diligence on my part to keep the group quiet while each person talked, but we finally got everyone’s voice heard. Then the group was able to see where each person stood on the issue and what open questions still needed to be answered. The group was then able to reach a conclusion fairly quickly.

A list of lessons often attributed in an e-mail chain letter to the Dalai Lama (but actually lifted from Life’s Little Instruction Book) includes this gem: “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.” So what’s the lesson here? A few:

1. You don’t always have to know everything. Ask others.
2. When conversations get messy, most people know it—and would welcome some help.
3. Be brave enough to point out what’s happening. It can be a relief to others!
4. When the process isn’t working, stop it.

The technique I used is a pretty simple one: Just suggest that the group take time out and get each person’s perspective. Or, if it’s a voting situation, take a preliminary poll. During this time there can be no debate. This is a just a chance to get a sense of where each person stands on a particular subject. When everyone’s done, then you can ask for a summation and thoughts for next steps. It’s easy and fairly quick, and it allows everyone to get a fuller picture of where things stand.

As always I would be interested in your feedback or experiences. As that “Dalai Lama” e-mail also advised, “Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.”

First, accept the notion that positive information is important. It helps us understand what we do well. It gives us data about where we are being successful. It motivates us and gives us a sense of success and positive impact. Without positive information we don’t know what we are doing that works, and we deprive ourselves of a sense of accomplishment.

Here’s a recent example:

I was in the middle of an executive coaching session when I said, “Wow, you’ve made a lot of progress.” My client responded that my compliment “sounds so disingenuous.” When I inquired further, she explained that when people give her positive feedback she discounts it. As we talked more she revealed that, because she wants to be further along in her career, she feels that the progress she has made doesn’t count.

I asked my client to imagine that she was holding in one hand the progress she has made, and in the other hand the progress she wants to make. I asked her how she felt. She said that she felt balanced and encouraging. She felt motivated to do more. And she realized that in discounting her accomplishments and only focusing on the need for more work, she was discouraging herself.

In addition, one statement alone is not the full truth. She had indeed made progress but she wanted more! Both statements were true, and noticing the positive was a motivating factor.

So the next time someone offers you a compliment, take it in. Make sure you ask for the specifics. A general statement such as “good job!” is not enough information. Ask what was good about the work you did. Ask for the concrete, specific details. This helps you know precisely what you did that was perceived as helpful. Do not discount the information or comment. Pay attention to the feeling you have when you allow yourself to take in the positive comments and details.

If you can do nothing else, simply say “Thank you.” Watch your reaction even to that. Are you uncomfortable? Do you have a desire to ignore it or brush it off? Resist the urge. Ask yourself what is true about the statement made to you. Let yourself feel the positive impact of receiving a compliment. Take a moment to savor the moment and see what happens.

As always, I encourage you to share your experiences with accepting compliments or positive feedback. Powerful stories are helpful to all our readers! I look forward to hearing your thoughts.