A client of mine—let’s call her Sally—gave me a great example.

A woman in Sally’s organization named Deborah, who is higher in rank, was regularly going to Sally’s boss and complaining about her. Sally was frustrated with this behavior and was worried about how it might endanger her reputation. Sally had tried a number of approaches to head off those conversations about her, including asking Deborah to come to her directly if she had any concerns. Sally had also gone to her boss and requested that her boss ask Deborah to go directly to Sally. Nothing was working. Sally felt powerless. How could she stop those conversations?

Sally was trying to solve the problem by dealing with it from a damage-control perspective. What if there was another way to look at it?

I asked Sally what her biggest fear was; she said that her reputation with her boss would be damaged. So, I asked, “What do you really want?” Her response was quick. “I want my boss to think I am doing a good job.”

I then asked Sally, “How does your boss evaluate your work, and where does she get her information?” Sally replied, “It’s based on my work performance and I am not sure where she gets her information.” Then she said, “I have been so focused on stopping these interchanges between my boss and Deborah, that I never thought about how I could give my boss positive information.”

With a new perspective Sally decided to take a completely different tack. She decided not to deal directly with Deborah’s behavior but instead to build her own credibility with her boss in other ways. She set out a plan to bring good news to her boss. Sally now uses her weekly meetings with her boss to deliver a summary of her division’s accomplishments and her own progress on important matters. Sally also sends her boss any acknowledgements of good work she or her division receives. So Sally’s boss now has a regular flow of information that shows how well Sally and her division are performing, and Sally feels confident that her boss has a fairly well balanced flow of information about her.

Sally demonstrated the power of shifting her perspective. The next time you feel that you are stuck in a repetitive pattern that is not getting you the results you want, try these suggestions:

1. Ask yourself what it is you REALLY want. Dig a bit to uncover the positive outcome you are seeking. If you want someone else’s behavior to change, then ask what that change would get you. The answer to that question is closer to what you ultimately want.

2. Stop focusing on the negative and look for the positive. We tend to focus on where we are having problems and that often leaves us feeling demoralized. Shift your perspective to what is working. Seeing the positive or even looking for the positive will help bring a new perspective.

3. Try on other views of the problem. Name the perspective you are in and then ask yourself what another perspective might be. If that doesn’t come easily to you, ask yourself how another person—someone you respect—might look at it. Think of something in nature, and ask yourself what it would think of this? Try on as many other viewpoints as you can and see which one feels best to you. From there, look for a new approach.

4. Break the problem down into smaller chunks. Sometimes we have a problem that is very complicated or has many elements. Don’t try to solve them all. Identify the various components and try to isolate one issue that is more manageable. Begin there.

My parents live in an assisted living facility and I have recently been unhappy with the way the facility handled a few medical incidents. The truth is, I was mad!! Really mad. I requested a meeting with the relevant staff at the facility. One of my brothers, who happens to be a physician, flew in to town to attend the meeting with me.

Following the Reboot! preparation template, my brother and I spent some time getting ready for the meeting. We thought through:

• What had happened (the facts of each incident)
• Questions we had (information we needed)
• The issues we wanted resolved
• What we wanted to see happen as a result of our discussions
• What we each have done that might have contributed to any problems

We began the meeting by sharing our topics and mutual goals. We proceeded to address the easy issues. As we entered the hot topic of how the staff had handled or mishandled some situations, the medical administrator started expounding in a firm, rapid-fire manner. It felt both aggressive and defensive. I sat there watching her behavior and my own reaction. I was frustrated. I wanted to fight back and argue. Mostly I wanted to “win” the argument.

While I pondered that, I let the medical administrator continue talking about all the steps she and her staff had taken in each of the incidents. This not only gave me breathing room, but it let her get her pent-up emotions out. (Allowing the other person in your conversation to let off steam inevitably brings the tension down. It’s like letting air out of a balloon.)

At a point when she took a breath, I simply asked, “So in your professional opinion, as you review these incidents, how well do your staff’s responses measure up to your standards?” She paused. I think she had expected a backlash from me and was taken aback by a respectful question. She then outlined what she would have done differently and what others might have done differently in each of the incidents.

In the end, she assessed her own behavior and that of her staff in a very fair manner. She made MY point. I never had to point anything out, because she knew it all along. The key had been to invite her to discover it herself. That’s because questions invite others to explore an issue for themselves—and self-discovery is the most powerful form of learning.

When facing situations in which I want another person to learn something, I find it helpful to think about what I want to say and then ask myself how to turn my statement into a question. The question needs to be:

1. Open ended: This means a question that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no.” Think of starting your question with “how” or “what,” as these naturally require explanations.
2. Respectful: Make sure you pose the question in a way that invites the person to step up and open up.
3. Curious: Invite the person to explore, not defend.

Try it, the next time you find yourself wanting to tell someone something or to advise. Just ask yourself, how do I turn my statement into a question? It may take some time and definitely some practice, but it will be well worth it. You will find that you reach the same destination with fewer struggles and have built a better relationship with the other person. What more could you ask for?

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts as well as your ideas on turning statements into questions.