Recently I was working with two colleagues, Joe and Daniel. They had been friendly and had worked well together for close to two years, but their relationship had suddenly turned sour and was affecting the entire office. Their boss called me to ask if I might help.

I embarked on a fairly typical process to help the two parties work this out, starting with individual conversations.

Daniel claimed that all was fine and there was no need to get in a room and talk.

Joe said that Daniel was temperamental and had frequent outbursts, but that he had come to live with it. Joe also said that he wanted to talk about Daniel’s performance—and went on to cite numerous incidents of work not being done as instructed. Joe readily admitted, however, his tendency to have high standards and to get upset when things were not done exactly the way he wanted them done.

I was not at all sure how the mediation would go, as Daniel was so reluctant to get in a room with Joe. The meeting started slowly with them both tentatively acknowledging the value of working this out and articulating each other’s strengths. As they got closer to talking about “the problem” they started arguing in great detail about each step of their standard operating procedure (SOP).

In the midst of the debate, Joe said, “I told Daniel to own his work.” This was an accusation that Daniel was somehow responsible for the errors because he was not talking responsibility.

I asked Daniel if he recalled Joe telling him “to own” his work. Daniel said, “Yes.” I then asked Daniel what owning his work meant to him. His response was to do his work the way he thought it should be done even if it varied from the SOP.

Next I asked Joe what “owning” his own work meant. Joe replied, “Doing the work the way I said it should be done.”

Ah, a small word—“own”—but a huge difference in interpretations!!

In that moment they saw their problem. Though they both heard the same word, they had sent and received very different messages. Neither actually cared about the SOPs, but they both cared about getting the work done efficiently and effectively. They were colliding, if you will, over who got to decide how the work got done on a number of occasions. Joe thought he had permission to do things his way, and Daniel thought Joe was to do it precisely the way Daniel wanted it done.

Now you might think that the decision on who makes the call about process was the issue, but it was not. They easily cleared that up. The ultimate problem was that Daniel often gave vague instructions when telling Joe how he wanted it done. The words we use count. This was their biggest learning—that when they discuss work togther they have to be sure they are communicating well. They agreed to simply restate their understandings when they finished planning so that they both could agree to what was decided.

This is not an unusual problem. It happens in two-way conversations and it happens in meetings. People assume they all have the same information because they all heard the same words. Not always true! Here are a few tips:

1. At the end of every conversation or decision, someone in the room should be asked to restate the conclusion. This allows everyone to hear the message once again. If there are just two of you, you both should say what you heard. Be careful to be as specific as possible.

2. Use a flip chart and make a point of writing the decisions, agreements and next steps. A visual will help people notice if they have misunderstood.

3. At the conclusion of a meeting when there have been several conversations, always review the major points, decisions and next steps.

4. When summarizing or giving directions, paint a picture. Describe exactly what it would look like if it were done as agreed. Be as concrete and specific as possible.

My parents live in an assisted living facility and I have recently been unhappy with the way the facility handled a few medical incidents. The truth is, I was mad!! Really mad. I requested a meeting with the relevant staff at the facility. One of my brothers, who happens to be a physician, flew in to town to attend the meeting with me.

Following the Reboot! preparation template, my brother and I spent some time getting ready for the meeting. We thought through:

• What had happened (the facts of each incident)
• Questions we had (information we needed)
• The issues we wanted resolved
• What we wanted to see happen as a result of our discussions
• What we each have done that might have contributed to any problems

We began the meeting by sharing our topics and mutual goals. We proceeded to address the easy issues. As we entered the hot topic of how the staff had handled or mishandled some situations, the medical administrator started expounding in a firm, rapid-fire manner. It felt both aggressive and defensive. I sat there watching her behavior and my own reaction. I was frustrated. I wanted to fight back and argue. Mostly I wanted to “win” the argument.

While I pondered that, I let the medical administrator continue talking about all the steps she and her staff had taken in each of the incidents. This not only gave me breathing room, but it let her get her pent-up emotions out. (Allowing the other person in your conversation to let off steam inevitably brings the tension down. It’s like letting air out of a balloon.)

At a point when she took a breath, I simply asked, “So in your professional opinion, as you review these incidents, how well do your staff’s responses measure up to your standards?” She paused. I think she had expected a backlash from me and was taken aback by a respectful question. She then outlined what she would have done differently and what others might have done differently in each of the incidents.

In the end, she assessed her own behavior and that of her staff in a very fair manner. She made MY point. I never had to point anything out, because she knew it all along. The key had been to invite her to discover it herself. That’s because questions invite others to explore an issue for themselves—and self-discovery is the most powerful form of learning.

When facing situations in which I want another person to learn something, I find it helpful to think about what I want to say and then ask myself how to turn my statement into a question. The question needs to be:

1. Open ended: This means a question that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no.” Think of starting your question with “how” or “what,” as these naturally require explanations.
2. Respectful: Make sure you pose the question in a way that invites the person to step up and open up.
3. Curious: Invite the person to explore, not defend.

Try it, the next time you find yourself wanting to tell someone something or to advise. Just ask yourself, how do I turn my statement into a question? It may take some time and definitely some practice, but it will be well worth it. You will find that you reach the same destination with fewer struggles and have built a better relationship with the other person. What more could you ask for?

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts as well as your ideas on turning statements into questions.

One technique is to create a visual representation of the group on a piece of paper and keep it by you. Here’s how to create the picture and how to use it:

1. Imagine people at a table. Take a piece of paper and draw a circle on it.
2. Place the name of each person who is on the call around the circle.
3. Be sure everyone checks in at the beginning of the call to get them present and known to everyone else in the meeting
4. As people talk, put a check mark next to their name
5. As the conversation progresses be sure to check who has spoken and who has not. Be sure to include people in the conversation who have not yet spoken or are joining in less than others.
6. Stop halfway through the meeting and check to see how the participants are doing. Ask if there is anything, in regard to being on the phone, they need before proceeding
7. At the end, do a quick check out with everyone to see how the meeting went and be sure to ask for any further suggestions to improve future calls.

Creating a picture of the group and noting their names will help you both visualize and remember who is on the call. Over time, you will find that your meetings feel more inclusive. If you ask for suggestions for improvement and follow them, you will undoubtedly find even more ways to make these virtual meetings efficient and productive.

Here are some of the findings:

• 85% of employees at all levels experience conflict to some degree
• In the U.S., 36% of employees report dealing with conflict always or
  frequently
• U.S. employees, on average, spend 2.8 hours per week dealing with
  conflict‹which adds up to 385 million working days per year
• In the U.S., time spent on conflict costs $359 billion in paid hours in 2008
• 27% of employees report that they have been in a workplace
  disagreement that led to personal insults or attacks; 25% have seen conflict
  result in sickness or absence
• Almost half (48%) of employees in the nonprofit sector reported being involved in a conflict that led to sickness or absence

There is no doubt from this study and many others that conflict is endemic, and that it costs individuals and our organizations. It is seen at all levels and in all types of organizations. And unmanaged conflict has a real, negative impact on our health and our productivity.

So what’s the good news?

The study also revealed that:

• Training is the biggest driver of quality outcomes from conflict
• 95% of people receiving training said it helped them
• 76% said they had seen conflict lead to a positive result
• 41% said that conflict led to a better understanding of others
• 29% found that conflict led to a better solution to a problem
• 27% said training made them more comfortable and/or confident about
  dealing with conflict
• 81% of U.S. workers reported seeing positive results from well-managed conflict
• 27% of the workers surveyed reported feeling good about the conflict as they felt the issue had been well aired and dealt with
• 62% of the respondents felt conflict was everyone’s responsibility

What does this tell us?

Conflict is inevitable, but it can be healthy. Well managed, it can lead to more productive workplaces and healthier relationships. Armed with the right tools, people are willing and able to step into difficult conversations and come out stronger.

Because the study makes the case that training is a major contributor to supporting good conversations, it¹s important to start finding ways to build your skills and the skills of your coworkers. Here are some ideas:

• Look for a dispute resolution or mediation center in your area and ask if they offer any training programs
• Review management and business literature. Two excellent books are Crucial Conversations and Difficult Conversations.
• Look at your local community college and other continuing education programs for short courses
• Ask your employer to bring in a workshop
• Search the Web. There are some great resources out there.

• National Institute for Advanced Conflict Resolution
• Center for Dispute Settlement
• Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR)
• National Association for Community Mediation (NAFCM)
• American Bar Association Section on Dispute Resolution
• The Conflict Resolution Information Source
• Ask your professional association for recommendations
• For a fast, practical read, pick up: Reboot! Your Working
  Relationships.